humor

Famous Folk Here in Wyo

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I live in Smalltown, Wyoming.  Nothing exciting happens here.  Unless you think looking out your window and seeing a buck lying in your backyard is exciting.  Yeah, most people don’t.

Imagine my surprise when I headed home from work one day.  A pedestrian – which in itself is a novelty because people don’t walk in Wyoming – strolled down the sidewalk.  As I approached him, I couldn’t believe my eyes. 

It looked like this guy! 

I so could have taken this picture but I didn’t.

What was JT doing in my hometown? 

I wasn’t too surprised though.  The other day, on the same road at nearly the same place, I saw this guy!

Not mine either. I could have whipped out my phone (while driving) and taken it though. Then you’d know I’m not crazy.

I’ll just call him the Parks and Recreation guy because I don’t know his name. 

What?  Are celebrities looking for small towns to hide out?  And what’s up with all the walking?  I don’t know about P&R guy, but surely, JT can afford some Wyoming Wheels.  And here’s a suggestion – the bigger the wheel the better here.

In other news, I think it’s time I make an appointment with the optometrist.

Hot Pocket Warning Label

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photo courtesy the web

Ouch! I burned my tongue.  I had no idea this Hot Pocket would be so hot.  There should be some kind of warning on it.  A simple message like:  Hello!  This is hot.  In fact, it’s like a little pocket of hot.  So, do not take a huge bite out of it right out of the microwave.

My tongue feels funny.  I think my taste buds will be off for the day.  Thanks for ruining my day.  If there is a lawyer out there, please contact me immediately.  I’m thinking a million dollars will help me get over my emotional distress.

My Hot Pocket was hot.  Who could see that coming?

Now, Maybe

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You graduated high school.  It was time for you to move on and leave our youth group.  Because that is the natural progression of things.  Someone else was called to lead the younger girls.  

“I’ve been replaced,” you said.

“Not at all!” I reassured.  “You can never be replaced.”

At the end of summer, it was time for you to move away for college.  Because that is the natural progression of things. Your replacement in the youth group also took your old job in the community.

“I’ve been replaced,” you said.

“Not at all!” I reassured.  “It’s just a coincidence.”

A new girl moved in and started attending our youth group.  Because that is the natural progression of things.  I watched her face when confronted with unpleasantness.  She kept a cool, serene expression.  Underneath the calmness I can only imagine what was turning and burning.  She is a sweet girl that everyone loves.  But I bet she has no clue that her own coolness meter is off the charts.  And I realized, she reminds me of…you.

So, I hope we never again have the discussion where you say, “I’ve been replaced.”

Because I might have to reply, “Ok, now, maybe.”

(Just in case you happen to read this, let me hastily add a 😉 and a LOL to make it all better.  And maybe a JK.  Now you can return with a HAHAHA and we’ll be ROFL, right? Emoticons and acronyms pretty much allow us to say anything we want nowadays and still remain friends.)

 

 

Stormy Afternoon

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It was a dark and stormy afternoon.  No, seriously, it really was.  Perhaps, the earth had suffered enough with the summer drought that the heavens took pity on her and allowed rain in the autumn.  One might say that the rain, wind, and dark skies evoke the Halloween spirit.  One might say that, it’s true.  Another might declare it to be a coincidence and only determined by the season.  Which is a proven fact.   But whatever your belief you have to admit, a dark and stormy afternoon is kinda creepy.

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The Return of Ms. Cranky Pants

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So, Ms. Cranky Pants has reared her ugly head again.  I think I’ll blame September.  Due to staff changes at work, plus a couple of road trips, sprinkle a little family drama and September kicked my butt.  By the end of the very long month, I anxiously wanted to say a not so fond farewell to September 2012.  And anyone who had to deal with me probably wanted to say a not so fond farewell to Cranky Pants.

I hoped the new month of October would see the demise of Ms. Cranky Pants.  Personally, I don’t care for her.  She’s a little too irrational and moody for my taste.  Not to mention she rides the self-pity train a bit much.  Plus, out of the Pants family, she’s not the one I want to be known as.  I’d prefer her lesser known sister, Charity Pants.  Or even more well-known sister Smarty Pants.  Unfortunately, I’ve never been mistaken as either of them.  Only Cranky Pants.

I knew if I allowed her to move in, I’d be labeled as Cranky.   You know, the person people feel comfortable enough whisper about when she’s out of the room but when she walks in they try to avoid at all costs.  I also know how hard it is to shake a label once branded.  No, I’ll have to evict Ms. Cranky Pants immediately.  Do you know how hard it is to get rid of Cranky?  It is no enviable task.  She’s kind of stubborn and takes root rather quickly.

I can do this.  One huge step will to be to control my tone of voice.  Snarkiness just seeps out.   What can I say?  It’s a talent.  I’m not sure I like what it says about me that it takes more effort to be a nice person than a cranky one.  But I got this.

At the very least, I can be Ms. Nice Pants.  I like the ring of that.

I May Be a Cheater – But I Blame 9

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I have a confession and I hope it doesn’t affect how you feel about me.  There is no easy way to say this so I’ll just blurt it out.  I’m a cheat.   Perhaps if you let me explain, you will understand my motives.  Once you understand my motives, perhaps you won’t think ill of me.  Or, maybe you will.  Or maybe you won’t care.

It all started on March 24 when I received my all-time highest views to my blog.  Which is good and I appreciated the recognition.  The number ended with a 9 though.  A nine?  I only needed 1 more view to have a lovely 0 stat.  But I was happy with the achievement and I could live with the nine.  After all, how long could it take to beat that?

In September the ugly nine still haunted me though.  It had become a mean number since March and now mocked me.  “You will never get rid of me.  I am your all-time highest number and I’m only 1 away from a 0.  Ha, ha, sucker!”  I told you it was mean.

My OCD surfaced.  I resorted to desperate measures.  I posted a blog about it.  I even begged on Facebook.  Nothing worked.  I would get close but I just couldn’t pass the nine.

For some reason, some citizens of the fine country of Belgium (no, I’ve never been there but obviously they have good taste) became interested in one of my blog posts.  I have no idea why it became so popular for the Belgians for a short time but I like to think perhaps some class at a university was studying it.  Hopefully, they weren’t using it as a “bad example” of writing.  That would make me cry and I’d have to label all Belgians mean as nines.  Since I’ll never know for sure, I’ll go with the scenario they were studying a “fine example of American writing.”

On September 28 I had an exceptional day.  At 10:00pm I was only 13 views away from breaking my record and achieving a 0.  Finally, I could say good riddance to nine – and then I’d be happy.  So, I decided to “load the dice.”  It wasn’t an easy decision.  It took me a whole 15 seconds to decide to be dishonest.  Here’s my rationalization: in the early days of my blog, I used to sign in once a day.  Just so that my stats had one little blip.  This wasn’t that much different.  I mean, it’s not as if anyone else would ever see my stat page.  I’m the only one who had to endure nine’s bullying day after day.  Stoic as I am (minus the begging, that is) it was time to take matters into my own hands.

I borrowed a computer (just in case any WordPress police monitor questionable stats and call me in for questioning.  That would be awkward).  With disturbingly little hesitation, I typed my blog’s address in the address bar.  And then I did it again.  I counted out loud to make sure I didn’t make a mistake.  This was a very serious operation.  When I counted 13 I logged into my stat page.  There was a beautiful, lovely 0. I achieved my (kind of dishonest) goal.  But I could live with it because now I had a whole number to greet me every day.

Then I logged out.  Did you know, that when you log out of WordPress it takes you to your blog?  And it counts it as a view?  Yeah, I didn’t either.  My number became 1.  A one?  That’s just as bad a 9!

What else could I do?  I viewed my page 4 more times because as anyone knows a 5 is much better than a 1. Before I went to bed, I looked at my stat page one more time.  It was 11:58pm and the number would be final.  However, someone from Korea (bless his or her heart) viewed my web page.  My all-time highest number is now an upside down 9.  But I can live with a 6.  For now.