I have a confession and I hope it doesn’t affect how you feel about me. There is no easy way to say this so I’ll just blurt it out. I’m a cheat. Perhaps if you let me explain, you will understand my motives. Once you understand my motives, perhaps you won’t think ill of me. Or, maybe you will. Or maybe you won’t care.
It all started on March 24 when I received my all-time highest views to my blog. Which is good and I appreciated the recognition. The number ended with a 9 though. A nine? I only needed 1 more view to have a lovely 0 stat. But I was happy with the achievement and I could live with the nine. After all, how long could it take to beat that?
In September the ugly nine still haunted me though. It had become a mean number since March and now mocked me. “You will never get rid of me. I am your all-time highest number and I’m only 1 away from a 0. Ha, ha, sucker!” I told you it was mean.
My OCD surfaced. I resorted to desperate measures. I posted a blog about it. I even begged on Facebook. Nothing worked. I would get close but I just couldn’t pass the nine.
For some reason, some citizens of the fine country of Belgium (no, I’ve never been there but obviously they have good taste) became interested in one of my blog posts. I have no idea why it became so popular for the Belgians for a short time but I like to think perhaps some class at a university was studying it. Hopefully, they weren’t using it as a “bad example” of writing. That would make me cry and I’d have to label all Belgians mean as nines. Since I’ll never know for sure, I’ll go with the scenario they were studying a “fine example of American writing.”
On September 28 I had an exceptional day. At 10:00pm I was only 13 views away from breaking my record and achieving a 0. Finally, I could say good riddance to nine – and then I’d be happy. So, I decided to “load the dice.” It wasn’t an easy decision. It took me a whole 15 seconds to decide to be dishonest. Here’s my rationalization: in the early days of my blog, I used to sign in once a day. Just so that my stats had one little blip. This wasn’t that much different. I mean, it’s not as if anyone else would ever see my stat page. I’m the only one who had to endure nine’s bullying day after day. Stoic as I am (minus the begging, that is) it was time to take matters into my own hands.
I borrowed a computer (just in case any WordPress police monitor questionable stats and call me in for questioning. That would be awkward). With disturbingly little hesitation, I typed my blog’s address in the address bar. And then I did it again. I counted out loud to make sure I didn’t make a mistake. This was a very serious operation. When I counted 13 I logged into my stat page. There was a beautiful, lovely 0. I achieved my (kind of dishonest) goal. But I could live with it because now I had a whole number to greet me every day.
Then I logged out. Did you know, that when you log out of WordPress it takes you to your blog? And it counts it as a view? Yeah, I didn’t either. My number became 1. A one? That’s just as bad a 9!
What else could I do? I viewed my page 4 more times because as anyone knows a 5 is much better than a 1. Before I went to bed, I looked at my stat page one more time. It was 11:58pm and the number would be final. However, someone from Korea (bless his or her heart) viewed my web page. My all-time highest number is now an upside down 9. But I can live with a 6. For now.