humor

Did You Know They Took the Word Gullible Out of the Dictionary?

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My boss recently gave a co-worker two stickers for a job well done.  It was in done in jest, of course.  Two smiley-face stickers my co-worker stuck on the collars of her shirt.  The co-worker pretended to be indifferent but there was a little swag in her step that day.

“No one ever pays me in stickers,” I whined as homage to the Trident Layers commercial.   The joke fell flat.  But the sentiment was heard.

The next day when I arrived to work, my computer monitor was wrapped with cellophane with every sticker in my boss’s arsenal stuck on it.  That was pretty good.

The truth is I like pranks.  I especially like pulling them.  When another co-worker left for vacation, I turned everything at her work-station upside down.  Memos on the bulletin board.  Pictures in their frames.  The calendar. 

When another co-worker left on vacation, I switched the contents of her drawers around.  That one was pushing it a bit because she is a supervisor.  That was the last prank I pulled at the office.

But my brother and I have a pretty good give-and-take.  When I returned home from my mission, I found flyers hanging in our small local airport with a picture of me.  The picture was an unflattering pose of me in a dryer.  The gist of the caption had me looking for a date.

Don’t worry.  It took a few years but I returned the favor.  I superimposed his teenage photos into several scenes from famous movies and television shows (he was in Peter Brady’s square for the Brady Bunch).  That was posted on a web-site and I sent the address to all his friends in church.  Good times.  Good times.

It’s time for a good prank.  As long as I don’t fall for one first.  As much as I love teasing you’d think I’d be pretty discerning.  Nope.  I’m about as gullible as they come.  Embarrassingly so. 

So you see, I must pull a doozy of a prank.  And I need a target.  I’m open to suggestions.

I Think I’ll Spend Some Time Outside Tomorrow. Away from the tv and computer.

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photo courtesy google.comIn case you missed it, I’ve been sick since Monday.  I even had to stay home from work Tuesday and half-a-day Wednesday.  My evenings have been spent glued to my recliner.  It all comes down to this:  I watched A LOT of media this week.  Not just my normal nighttime stuff, but extra daytime and early evening viewing as well. 

I feel like the Intersect has been downloaded to my brain.  Don’t understand?  I feel like I’ve been hijacked with tracker-jacker venom and I’m trying to distinguish between what’s real and not.  If you are still clueless, let me try one more time.  I’ve watched a lot of mind-numbing television and surfed the internet for hours. In the process, I learned things I didn’t want to know.

Here’s a few gems from this week’s media overload.

As if once wasn’t enough, the 80mph wife and jerk-husband cycled again this week.  This time the viral video was “enhanced” with Erik Estrada.  You might notice I didn’t put a link to this video.  That’s because I hate it.  Your next question might be, “Well, why do you keep watching it and posting about it?”  First, I didn’t watch the whole thing (again), and second, I WAS SICK.  With a fevered brain I might add.  

This clip reminded me of a few things to be grateful for.  The husband again reminded me that there are worse things than being single.   As for Mr. Estrada?  I think it’s a sad, sad commentary on our society when even fake cops can’t retire.  Do you think he keeps a CHiPS suit hanging in his closet for just-in-case moments such as this?  If so, how often does he whip it out?   And the ever-increasing creepy question, when do you think he uses it? 

Okay, new subject.  Quick!

Alicia Silverstone made news this week.  You remember, the girl from Clueless.  Apparently, she chews her food for her 10 month old son and then feeds him mama bird style.  It never ends well for a kid when a mom learns parenting techniques by watching Animal Planet.  Personally, I still remember the horror of heading to church as a child and my mother looking at my face.  “You didn’t wash your face?”  She asked incredulously.  With one swift motion her two fingers went into her mouth and wiped off my face.  The technical term for it was cat-bath.  My personal name for it was, “Ick. Gross!”  The baby bird thing tops the cat bath.

It’s been awhile since I’ve watched Entertainment Tonight.  I have a couple of questions.  Where’s Mary Hart?  And who’s the guy with the Scottish accent?  I might have to start watching more often.  Anyway, the entertainment guru pointed out that Jennifer Lawrence, the star of the Hunger Games, apparently doesn’t wash her hands after using the facilities.  She called it “overrated” and claimed that the sink is full bacteria (as opposed to what’s on her hands after using the restroom?).  I had to investigate this further.  Apparently, it’s only public restrooms and the actress is already crying the “out of context” defense.  I hope it was taken out of context.  I really, really hope so.

Megan Fox.  Oh, Megan, Megan.  I don’t normally keep up with Megs since she has never done anything remotely interesting to me.  However, since I had time on my hand and a mouse bent on surfing, I did find this gem of a quote, “I would not trade my place with an unattractive girl.”  All I have to say is what a relief!  I can’t count how many nights I lied awake wondering what would happen if she came knocking and wanted all of this.  What would I be left with?  Brian Austin Green and her talent?  What? Too mean?  Don’t throw cake statements at us commoners and not expect the guillotine.    Someone in her inner-circle needs to pull her aside and whisper two words to her: Kelly Lebrock.  In response, Megan would reply, “Who?”  Exactly.

Maybe someone already has because I noticed her back-pedaling retraction came out hours ago.  Her statement was – you guessed it – taken out of context.  Maybe, and I’m just throwing it out there as a suggestion, maybe actors should use written scripts for their interviews.

Now for a little fun fact that made me laugh.  I actually heard this on NPR today at work.  Yes, when there are witnesses around I listen to NPR and save my ET viewing for when I’m at home alone.  Scientists are doing studies to discover why spiders don’t stick to their own webs.  I missed the whole purpose to this segment.  I’m sure it’s important.  Anyway, among one of the methods for studying is washing the spiders’ legs off.  Who gets that job?  And how hard is it to wash those little tiny legs without detaching them from the body?

And finally, what blog review of this week would be complete without mentioning the $640,000,000 lottery.  The optimists are snatching up tickets.  The rest of us are pointing out little stats the smarty-pants-stats men and women are figuring out for us.  Such as:  you are more likely to be struck by lightning than winning.  Or getting two holes-in-one during one game.  Or, my personal favorite, you’re 100 times more likely to die of a flesh eating bacteria.  But buena suerte to you!  Or, may the odds be ever in your favor.  

I think I better de-tech this weekend.

Tag You’re It (no tag-backs)

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Okay, once upon a time, long, long ago, I was tagged.  I never liked the game tag because I was what you would call an “easy target.”  And the game would eventually end when I gave up trying to catch anyone else. 

But this game of tag is a bit better.  It just requires a lot of…work…which I’m not a fan of.

So, I mentioned tadams4u in one of my blogs and she promptly repaid me with a tag.  And now, I must pass the good fortune on.  I feel like I should explain more but I’ve been sick since Monday and my brain is now mush. 

The rules are:

  • you must post the rules (I had to check and make sure there isn’t an expiration date.  I didn’t see one.  Whew!)
  • answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post (thanks)
  • create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged (ha! Good luck with that)
  • tag eleven people with a link to your post (I’m glad it’s an odd number.  I like to choose odd numbers too so that they don’t feel bad not being popular numbers)
  • let them know you tagged them (oh, this might take some time)
  • No tag-backs (k, I just added that one but I’m allowing it)

First, my questions:

  1. Who is the one person you can 100% guarantee will make you laugh when you need it?  I have a few people I keep in my inner-circle to help me laugh.  My brother and sister-in-law could be a comedic duo.  Seriously.
  2. What is something that your friends and family laugh at that you do?  Well, I seem to be a never-ending supply of dorkisms but one thing that used to be guaranteed for a laugh (for others) is my pronunciation of the word crayon.  It used to come out more along the lines of crown.  I still refer to them as coloring utensils to this day.
  3. Pajamas in public – are you for them or against them? Depends on the public.  Stores – no.  Parks – maybe.  Concerts – c’mon!
  4. Blackberry, Android, iPhone or some cheap little phone that does nothing but let you talk and maybe text on it?  Um, yeah.  So, I have this phone called a Voyager.  Never heard of it?  I got it right before the Smart phone fad.  I’m holding out until I get a better job to upgrade.  The sad thing is, my brother went from a flip phone to a smart phone and is now more tech savvy than me.  Trust me, that’s sad.  And more than a little embarrassing.
  5. What is the one thing if someone took away from you that you would throw a 2 year old temper tantrum on the floor crying fit over? Oh boy, this is a tough one.  Because I never know when that ugly tantrum will creep out.  I could lie and say my library-like supply of well-stocked books just to make me sound pretentious.  But the truth is, take the books leave the tv alone.
  6. When was the last time you had a giggling fit? And do you remember why? It’s been awhile since I’ve had one of those fits that you start giggling and just can’t stop.  I think about due for one.
  7. Have you ever worn socks with little toes in them? Heck no!!  Why on earth would I do that?!  I don’t even like socks to begin with.
  8. Do you have any animals? If so, what species are they and why did you name them what you did?  I’m not an animal person.  I don’t like to share that because all the animal lovers out there translate that to: cold hearted, evil person.  I’m not.  I just don’t like animals.  And I’m allergic.  They stir up my asthma so…I kinda prefer to breathe.
  9. Have you ever accidentally / on purpose / will never admit it – tripped your kid? Don’t have any so…I’m not going to answer this in case any mama bears are reading.  I don’t want to incriminate myself.
  10. If your high school would have seen how you turned out, what would they have put in your year book? What title would you have? I try to block out my high school years so I can’t answer this one.  Except the title might be “Figures.”
  11. Would you have preferred serious questions or goofy ones like these? (even though your vote is too late)  I probably would have skipped serious questions.  I can’t even buy serious birthday cards because I get bored reading them.

And now, your questions. 

  1. Favorite way to spend an evening?
  2. If you were a tv character, which one would you be?
  3. Have you ever used the phrase, “This reminds me of an episode of Friends” and if so, which episode and why?
  4. What is your secret guilty pleasure that you’re willing to divulge via your blog? 
  5. If you could be doing anything right now (other than reading this awesome blog) what would it be?
  6. What’s your hidden talent?
  7. Are you planning on seeing Titanic 3D?  Why or why not?  Who is going with you?
  8. Which country song best describes your life right now (or any song for you country-haters)
  9. Do you watch award shows?  Which ones?  Have you ever practiced an acceptance speech justincase?
  10. How often do you workout?  Everydarnday     A couple of times a week is sufficient      Once a week is plenty      Monthly       What do you mean, workout?
  11. How long do you think it will take you to turn this around and send it?  FYI: I think I have the record at just over two weeks.

The lucky recipients:

The Mount Laundry News

Moonlight Mom

The Ugly Moose

Artful Anxiety

Ashley Jillian

Keeping My Head Above Water

The Laughing Housewife

Life from the Trenches

Motivational Magic

Hella Sydney

Words Form Windows

Let’s see, I think that’s it.  And…you’re welcome! 🙂

Yes. I am Ms. Cranky Pants. Gotta problem with that?

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I had the best of intentions to finally hand-off the tag game from a couple weeks ago.  But it ain’t gonna happen tonight.  The past two weeks have been uber-busy.  That’s teen talk.  I think it means the past two weeks have kicked my butt.  And there’s no relief in sight.

A month ago I took a week off work in hopes of magically making me a nice person again.  I used to be fairly nice.  Sometimes.  Not so much lately.  The week off actually helped a little.  And then there was Daylight Savings Time.  The older I get, the more evil and sinister that spring forward becomes.

Anyway, that was a two paragraph explanation as to why I’m phoning it in again tonight.  We have a big road trip planned with the Young Women tomorrow so I may be phoning it in all next week, also.  Next week will be my one year mark with CK’s Days!  So, I think that translates to a special “Week Review” of all the best CK’s Days has offered.  Hmm, possibly.

Getting back to the theme of the title, I do have a couple of things to vent.

One.  I went to see the Hunger Games.  I’m still reading the third book so the story is fresh in my head.  I’m not sure I cared for the movie that much.  It was a fairly literal translation from page to screen.  At least, as much as possible time-wise.  But it lacked…something.  Sure, there were a couple of scenes that “something got in my eye.”  Fine.  I cried.  But for the most part it was kinda blah. 

It didn’t help that a grandmother brought her five-ish year old grandchild and sat right in front of me.  Then she was appalled at the violence.  Um, this might be a bit of a spoiler alert but the story is about kids forced to kill other kids.  Like, kill them dead.  In very vicious ways.  It didn’t shock me because I READ THE BOOK.  As violent as the movie was, the book was even more violent.  If only there was a way for that grandma to have known beforehand what she was taking her charge to.  Some kind of internet thing to read reviews… or televison to see previews… or a libray to check out the book.

Other than that distraction,  the movie reminded me of the first Harry Potter movie.  So literal it was boring.  But that series picked up.  A bit.  And here’s the trivia I figured out once the characters got to the training center.  The actors that played Cato and Peeta have both worked with the Rock.  No, that doesn’t have anything to do with the movie.  That’s just how my mind works.  Too bad I can’t make a living out of all the useless movie trivia I have stored up there.  I’d. be. rich.

And yes, I am planning on seeing the sequel.  It will probably be better  since I will have forgotten about the book by then.

Two.  I didn’t want to post this clip but I have to so that you understand what I’m referencing.  However, I couldn’t watch the whole thing.   This went viral making fun of the wife.  I didn’t laugh.  I have had many moments when the dots just don’t connect.  Thankfully, I don’t have a jerk-husband to post those moments on the internet.  So, while I’m indulging in my crankiness, here’s the jerk-of-the-week award to the husband.  Wow!  This just proves my point that there are worse things than being single.

Okay, I think I’ve vented enough.  At any rate, I have to get to bed early.  I really can’t wake up on the wrong side of the bed tomorrow.  Besides, even I don’t like my cranky self. 

 

Usurpation in Facebook

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Have you converted to the new timeline in Facebook yet?  If not, do you have a Brady Bunch listing of smart phone friends on the left?  If so, have you noticed the order of friends changes slightly?  If so, do you ever wonder what happens when you log off Facebook?  Ever think that maybe they play some kind of King of the Hill game to determine who is the first friend when you log back on?  Have you ever logged off with one friend in the top spot and then log back on and that friend is now two slots to the right?  Ever speculate if it’s all part of a coup among all the gravatars?  Ever conjecture if there are tiny little uprisings when you’re logged off?  Yeah, me neither.

A Modern Day Proverb

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A new adage I’m starting.  I hope it catches on. 

Ready?

Be as indestructible as a Pringles’ individual cup. 

It all starts with an ordinary Pringles' individual cup. Yes, the chips were yummy!

 

My mission: destroy the cup!

Can't say I didn't try to kill the cup.

 

It pops back in shape like nothing happened.

 

I'm not done.

 

I give it all I got.

 

A little dented but the shape still holds. Whatever life throws at us, be like a Pringles' cup! Remember the old Rolex slogan? This could be: Takes a beatin' so you can keep on eatin'! Maybe? Perhaps.