Oh hello. I was just explaining to your associate James the nature of my claim. Again? Alright I will explain it one more time but I do wish you will keep better notes than your coworkers. After all, this is the fourth time I will relate the matter. It is getting tiresome.
Friday night I was driving my Ford Explorer home from Vernal. It was a pleasant drive through Ashley National Forest. The sun was setting and it was the perfect time to ponder life’s mysteries. Oh, you know, the usual ruminations such as wondering if Castle is now over since the leads hooked up á la Moonlighting. What’s that? You don’t think so? Oh, I think the conspiracy goes all the way up to the presidency. No, it has to be higher than the mayor! The mayor is a friend of Castle’s for pete’s sake!
Oh, your calls are monitored? Anyway, as I was saying, I was heading home through Ashley National Forest and enjoying a perfect sunset. I know, absolutely gorgeous! No, I don’t camp there because it’s too close to home. Really? A perfect spot? No, I don’t hunt. I know, I know. I live in Wyoming and I don’t hunt. No, I don’t mind that you do. I don’t think there was any reproachful tone in my voice. To each his own. I don’t shoot animals and you do. We’ve never met so there shouldn’t be a problem.
But speaking of animals, I really should get back to the purpose of this call. I was driving home through the forest Friday night when the ground began to shake. Shake, like an earthquake, I guess. I’ve never experienced an earthquake but from what I can tell in the movies, that’s what happened Friday night.
I am aware no earthquakes were reported in the area. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. It wasn’t an earthquake at all but a stampede. Stamp-ede. Well, it was the strangest thing, it wasn’t just one species of animal. I said, it wasn’t one species of animal but it appeared to be every single creature in the forest. They came barreling down the mountain and crossed the road. I had to slam on my brakes and I maneuvered the car pretty well (if I do say so myself) to stop the car. No, I didn’t hit any animal at this time. I know, I was pretty surprised, too. Not a scratch on my car. I just watched all the animals cross the road. They seemed to have this panicked look on their faces. All of them did. Yes, there were deer. They always look skittish though. The funny thing is the moose had the same look. And the bears! I know, right? What do bears have to be frightened of?
After the animals passed by I couldn’t help but sit there for a moment. I have never seen such a sight before. What could have caused it? That was a mistake. I shouldn’t have hesitated. I should have gotten out of there. But I didn’t. This is where it gets weird.
The ground started to shake again. Except it was a little different. Instead of shaking because a lot of feet and paws were running to get the heck out of hades, it was one defined boom, Boom, BOOOM! Like one big something coming my way.
Um, you don’t need to know all the details of my reaction. Suffice it to say, I did not move. Suddenly, I could see these huge feet coming down the mountain. No, I didn’t recognize the feet. So I pushed my nose against the window to see the whole animal.
This is the part where your co-workers started snickering. You won’t laugh, will you? I saw what I saw and I know what I saw. I am not making this up. Well, it looked like…it resembled strongly…a…T-Rex. Hello? You promised you wouldn’t laugh. I know dinosaurs are extinct. Yes, I learned that in school, too. No, I have not been drinking. Or smoking. Or puffing.
Don’t hang up. I’m just getting to the point of the call. So, there I sat in my car on the road. Every forest family just ran by. Even the normally slow ones hustled by. Amazingly, I didn’t get one scratch on my car. Then, this T-Rex-ish looking creature comes thumping down the mountain – boom, Boom, BOOM, BOOOM! It got closer, and closer.
It was too late to drive off. I knew that. Well, I either fainted or just went into disaster mode. I got down on the floor. Surprisingly, I did fit. I didn’t think I could either. Anyway, I get down on the floor just in time because the T-Rex stepped on my car. It crushed under his weight until the roof was an inch away from my nose. I tell you what, the sweat was dripping off my forehead, that’s for sure!
He stepped off the vehicle and I could hear him take a couple of steps. The next thing I know, I’m spinning around as if I was on a merry-go-round. No, that did not help matters at all since I tend to get motion sickness. I could hear him walking away, BOOM, Boom, boom.
Luckily, a very nice couple helped me get out of the car. Despite the wide swath of destruction down the mountain, they didn’t believe me either. No, they didn’t give me a ride into town. They did give me the number of the local mental health agency, though. That was nice. Not exactly helpful. A ride would have been more appreciated…
No! Please don’t put me on hold. Every time I get put on hold somebody new answers the phone and I have to re-explain…hello?