The Nursing Home

              “Have you checked on room 1211?” Nurse Clementine asked without looking up from the clipboard she was studying.  As always, her readers rested on the bottom of her nose but never slipped off the tip. A feat that always impressed Calvin just a little bit.  He rolled his eyes at her request but tried to cover his initial reaction by answering quickly, “No ma’am.”  Even though the older nurse wasn’t looking he knew she still could sense his attitude by the way she her lips pushed together.  When he still didn’t move, she looked up and cocked an eyebrow at him.  That was worse than a lecture or a verbal lesson any day.  That was her way of saying, ‘best get on it’ combined with ‘don’t make me tell you again.’

            He suppressed the urge to sigh and stood up. “Right on it,” he said forcing any bitterness from his voice.  Nurse Clementine ran a tight shift and the last thing he wanted was to get on her bad side which was so easy for him to do.  She had been a night nurse supervisor at the nursing home longer than the current manager had been alive and was granted some allowances managing the staff other supervisors didn’t get.  She was the default superior that everyone looked to including the manager although that was done discretely.  If her word got back to management about any unruly staff that staff usually was gone by the next shift.  “There is no room here for bad nurses,” Nurse Clementine often said.  

            Calvin headed to room 1211 even though he didn’t want to.  For the most part, he enjoyed the residents and patients in the nursing home.  He found his job tough but rewarding.  But the residents in rooms 1211 and 1212 could quickly drain his enthusiasm and patience.  The residents had checked in within only a few weeks of each other and had come with a long-standing feud between them.  A feud no staff could figure out or get to the bottom of.  They each had family come to visit but neither family cared to indulge the staff into the cause of the feud.  The only thing the staff could figure out was the two ninety-year-old men had some kind of long-standing history.  And certainly not a pleasant history at that.

            At first, the staff at Eldbridge’s Nursing Home had found the situation comical.  Two nonagenarians with limited mobility issues and a host of other physical ailments between them carrying on some kind of childish feud seemed harmless and mildly entertaining.  But the staff soon discovered how seasoned the men were with their feud and attempts to outdo and one-up each other.  And staff learned how the two new patients had no qualms about dragging anyone around them into their feud or letting innocent bystanders such as staff take a hit or two all for what they alone considered the greater good.

            It didn’t take too long before the other patients and even staff were enlisted to sides.  The once quiet nursing home had become a battle ground of sorts, and it was getting uncomfortable to be around either patient in rooms 1211 or 1212.  Naturally, the only one that didn’t seem drafted into the long-standing feud was Nurse Clementine.  So, she didn’t understand the other staff’s hesitation in doing the job they were supposed to do when it came to tending to the two men.

            Calvin took a deep breath before walking into 1211.  He never knew what to expect.  The patient, Gus, was a former engineer.  With a lifetime of knowledge he had designed several booby traps in case his neighbor Marty ever ventured into his room.  Of course, Marty had never ventured into room 1211 because why would he?  Gus had never gone to 1212 either.  But still, they both set up fairly harmless traps in the off chance the other brazenly ventured into the other room.  Because each fancied that was precisely what the other would do, if given the chance.

            So far, Calvin had ping pong balls fly at his face – at high speeds, it should be noted.  The most impressive was when ice from a bucket on top of the room’s door had fallen on his head.  How Gus managed to rig that bucket over the door, Calvin had never been able to figure out. Then there was the time that some kind of catapult had been set up to lob Jello squares with perfect aim at his chest.  Plus, more elaborate sabotage tactics such as rearranging his furniture so that Calvin tripped on the bed because he was reading the daily chart on the clipboard rather than paying attention to the layout of the room that he took for granted should never change.  Again, Calvin couldn’t figure out how Gus moved the heavy furniture in his weakened state.  Orderlies and Calvin had to move the furniture back to its original place. That happened more than once and even though Gus had received orders from management to not rearrange the furniture, Calvin always paid attention to where he was walking.  He now only read the clipboard when he was not walking. 

            Walking into Marty’s room in 1212 wasn’t any easier.  A retired teacher, he must have learned from his former students the best pranks.  He would get out of his room and walk with his oxygen tank down the hall but not before placing the guest chairs in his room strategically in the way.  Calvin learned this the hard way.  Marty also placed his food plates on the desk chair but left the chair tucked in under the desk. It took a few times of sitting on a plate of food for Calvin to remember to look before he sat down on the chair. One of Marty’s classic moves was to remove the lining holding the cushions of his furniture in place.  More than once, Calvin sat on the chair or small sofa in Marty’s room and sunk so far down his knees almost hit his chin.  It would have been impressive if it wasn’t so annoying.

            But he was far past being impressed.

            Calvin walked into 1211 and saw Gus huddled in a chair working on something.  From experience, Calvin knew that probably wasn’t good.  “Whatcha workin on?” he said trying to keep his tone polite and respectful while fighting the urge to sound like an annoyed parent of a child.

            Gus looked up quickly and leaned forward hiding whatever his next project was from Calvin.  “Nothing.”  He said looking down at the floor.

            Calvin nodded.  Whatever it was definitely was not nothing.  “Hmm,” he said deciding if he should just finish what he needed to do and ignore this.  His shift would be over after this last round so this could easily be the next shift’s problem. 

            “I’m ready for my meds,” Gus said in the most innocent voice Calvin had ever heard.  Now Calvin knew this wasn’t good.  Gus always moaned and complained about taking his meds.  In the whole time Calvin had been dispensing his medication dose he had never once heard Gus say he was ‘ready’ to take his meds.

            Calvin looked at him.  “What are you up to?”

            Gus shook his head.  “Nothing.”

            Calvin looked back at the door and again weighed his options.  It would be so easy to slip out and back down the hall and let the next shift deal with whatever was coming.  But he would have to bypass Nurse Clementine and that was the only hesitation.  Somehow, she would know and give him one of her famous Nurse C chew outs.  He could almost recite it by heart.  So, which was worse?  Nurse C’s wrath or the retired engineer’s unarguable ingenuity?  Gus took advantage of Calvin’s pause to test what he had been working on: a rubber band gun that had been designed to shoot rubber bands at the door.  Right where Calvin was standing deciding his fate on the matter. 

            A rubber band hit him in his chest and he instinctively rubbed the target.  “Ow,” he said.

            “Ow?” Gus smirked.  “You can’t tell me that hurt,” he continued to make some adjustments to his gun.

            He was right, of course, so Calvin ignored his comment.  “You know I can’t let you keep that contraption up.”  Calvin said a little more forcefully than he would have if Gus hadn’t just made his remark.

            “Oh, sure, sure,” Gus said putting his arms up.

            Calvin drew in a deep breath. He knew this was just the prototype.  Gus would take it down but rebuild it anyway.  Where was he getting the rubber bands?

            “You are 90 years old,” Calvin said walking in to do what he came to do.  “Why don’t you start acting like it?”

            Gus ignored him and carefully dismantled his gun.  Calvin noted the precision in which he was doing so and knew it was so that it could be reassembled again. 

            “Where did you get the rubber bands?” Calvin grumbled while he prepared the med doses. 

            Gus sucked in his cheeks and shrugged. 

            “Right,” Calvin said and walked over to the chair where Gus sat.  “Here’s your meds for the night,” he handed him a small cup.

            Gus looked at it and took it.  He looked up at Calvin. “You want me to swallow all this dry? Get me some water, will ya?”

            Calvin picked up the water cup on the stand next to the chair and shook it.  Sure enough, it was empty.  He walked into the restroom to rinse it out and turned on the water.  Instead of water pouring out, it sprayed all over with a lot of it hitting his shirt.  “What the,” Calvin said and quickly turned off the faucet. He felt the nozzle and pulled off a coin that had been attached.  “What is this?” he asked looking at Gus.

            Gus shrugged his shoulders.  “Don’t look at me, I’m not an amateur.”

            Calvin grabbed a nearby towel and dabbed at his shirt until he realized it was useless.  “You’re actually going to tell me your neighbor Marty snuck in here and sabotaged your sink?” He asked tossing the towel into a basket marked ‘dirty linens.’

            “Seems that way,” Gus said looking out the window.

            In the eight months Calvin had been working at the nursing home he had never seen or heard of any of the residents going into other rooms uninvited.  Despite all the constant attempts at booby-trapping their rooms, neither Gus or Marty had ever ventured into the other room.  But Gus had said it so simply that Calvin thought about it.  Had the staff been wrong this whole time?  Had the two men actually been sneaking into the other room and setting up pranks?  Was Marty the one to blame for all the hijinks in this room?  And vice versa?  Calvin shook his head.  No, nobody is that stealth let alone two geriatric men with mobility issues.

            Calvin scratched his ear and sat down on the corner of Gus’s bed.  “All right,” he said eyeing Gus.  “You have my attention.  I’m not going anywhere.  Tell me what this beef is between you and 1212.”

            Gus looked at him and Calvin noticed what seemed to be a faint sparkle in his eye.  “Thanks for not mentioning that name here.”

            Calvin bit his bottom lip.  What Pandora’s Box did he just open?  Where was this rabbit hole going to take him?

            “It all started about 80 years ago,” Gus said.  “When that moron next door moved in next door. We became fast friends.”  He coughed as he said the word.  “You could say, once upon a time, we were even best friends.”

Next chapter: Chapter II coming July 8