There is a common conception about hell and what it will look like. You know what I’m referring to, the fiery pit somewhere below the earth. It is designed to resemble the worst case scenario to motivate us all to be good. But if you really want to use scare tactics on me, you’re going to have to create a little different picture. My hell does not look like that infernal pit. My worst case scenario does not look quite like that common visual.

For starters, the temperature is all wrong in my hell. It is, in fact, the opposite than the traditional image. If you want to motivate me to be good then my punishment is going to involve cold. A lot of cold. The kind where you can never get warm no matter how many layers of blankets you pile on. I believe a winter ages me about 25 years. At least, that’s what it feels like every year. I’m pretty sure the math works out to be “for every pound of clothing added to keep warm, add a year to your life.” I’m still testing that theory but the math seems solid. Now, if you throw in snow and a never ending driveway that needs to be shoveled EVERY SINGLE DAY then you got yourself a deal. I will be the best at being good because if I could live someplace I never have to see snow or shovel a driveway again I will do whatever it takes. And not to be so cold that I have to warm up my hands just to type on a computer? SOLD! If you paint me a picture of a freezing cold hell I will give my best effort not to end up there.

Now, the second image of the underworld I quite agree with. And that is the location of it being under the world. I hate basements (which are usually cold, by the way) and darkness. In order to thrive, I need light and air. If you tell me that me stealing a cookie out of the cookie jar is going to earn me real estate in a dark basement or similar environment I promise I won’t take the cookie.

Now, if you really wanted to scare me into being good you could throw in a few extra embellishments. Tell me that in my winter basement abode my neighbors will be bears and I will be the straight-A pupil of life. Let it slip that every night for dinner I’ll be eating seafood and cherry pie for dessert and I’ll be wearing a halo for life. Little things like that.

The final tactic will be to convince me that the boss of Hades is a certain personality type that I refer to as a “buffalo” then you have got a deal. Not to brag but I feel like I can get along with most personality types. Except for one. This is based on a personality test I took years ago. Suffice it to say, the one personality I can’t stand to be around is the domineering buffalo. If that was the person I had to answer to for eternity I will do whatever it takes to get out of the situation. Even be good. For more than a day.

So there you have it. My hell will be cold and dark. It involves snow, bears, seafood, and cherries. And the worst of all, making me answer to a “buffalo”. I’m getting shivers just thinking about it. I better not take any chances and better head out to do a kind deed or figure out some way to do some good.