The Avenging Unicorn

I am jealous.  Today a coworker brought in a present she received from a friend.  Her friend sends her the most awesome toys.  Last week she brought in a Zombie Apocalypse action figure set.  Complete with a dog running around with a severed human (er, zombie) arm.  I know what you’re thinking, how can that possibly be topped?  With three words that’s how, The Avenging Unicorn.

Perhaps you are as ignorant as I am on unicorn lore – and I even collect unicorns.  I never knew there was an Avenging (venging…venging…venging) Unicorn (corn…corn…corn).  Sorry, I’ve heard it with that echo in my head all day and I had to indulge myself at least once.  Apparently, how this works is if you are having a bad day or somebody is bugging you, you have a chance to have these little prototype dolls get a serious impaling through the gut by a beautiful, peaceful looking (in a creepy kind of way), white unicorn.

The set includes three victims, a businessman, a mime, and a hippie.  Because those are the three categories of people I would include on my horrific death list.  Mind you, I don’t have one but if I did those mimes have got to go!  The set also comes with three interchangeable horns each one with a special gift.  The only one I can remember is the pearlescent horn and one of its powers is mind reading.  Although, I don’t think it would be hard to read my mind moments before being run through by a unicorn horn.  Pretty sure I’d be thinking, “Oh, look a pretty unicorn!  Wait a second, it’s coming straight for me at a fast pace.  Ohhhh, dang me.”

My favorite part about the toy is the disclaimer.  It’s not suitable for children three and under.  But go ahead and give it to a four year old.  It’s great fun!

My coworker, let me pause here and explain, has an advanced degree.  She is also intimidatingly smart.  Her tone of voice smacks with smarty-pantsicitis.   Yeah, that’s how I deal with intelligent people – I make up my own words.  So anyway, my coworker’s favorite part of the toy was the Unicorn Code.  Which is printed on the box as follows:

The Unicorn Code

1. Unicorns never lie. (They probably say, ‘Hello, my name is Avenging Unicorn.  I am here to kill you.’)

2. Unicorns always lend a helping hand. (Unless they are busy impaling you at the moment.)

3. Unicorns are loyal. (See response to number two).

4. Unicorns can keep a secret. (It is part of the Unicorn mafia code.  If you tell, you’re outta the family).

5. Unicorns don’t use drugs. (But the adults who actually play with this set probably do).

I am jealous of my coworker’s friend who sends her these totally cool, albeit random, weird toys.  A friend that would know me well enough to know I’d appreciate a good Zombie Apocalypse at my slightly advanced age would be awesome.  I couldn’t even think of who to buy this kind of stuff for.  On the website I looked up to refresh my memory about the unicorn I found an ad for a Marie Antoinette action figure with Ejectable Head.  Suddenly, I wanted to do all my Christmas shopping on this one website. But  if I followed through with that plan, people would suspect me of breaking Unicorn Code number 5.  So, I will stick with the traditional Christmas gifts.  But in my heart, you’re receiving a Marie Antoinette action figure.

In case you think I’m lying, check out this and other cool gifts at (site no longer available)

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