I am jealous. Today a coworker brought in a present she received from a friend. Her friend sends her the most awesome toys. Last week she brought in a Zombie Apocalypse action figure set. Complete with a dog running around with a severed human (er, zombie) arm. I know what you’re thinking, how can that possibly be topped? With three words that’s how, The Avenging Unicorn.
Perhaps you are as ignorant as I am on unicorn lore – and I even collect unicorns. I never knew there was an Avenging (venging…venging…venging) Unicorn (corn…corn…corn). Sorry, I’ve heard it with that echo in my head all day and I had to indulge myself at least once. Apparently, how this works is if you are having a bad day or somebody is bugging you, you have a chance to have these little prototype dolls get a serious impaling through the gut by a beautiful, peaceful looking (in a creepy kind of way), white unicorn.
The set includes three victims, a businessman, a mime, and a hippie. Because those are the three categories of people I would include on my horrific death list. Mind you, I don’t have one but if I did those mimes have got to go! The set also comes with three interchangeable horns each one with a special gift. The only one I can remember is the pearlescent horn and one of its powers is mind reading. Although, I don’t think it would be hard to read my mind moments before being run through by a unicorn horn. Pretty sure I’d be thinking, “Oh, look a pretty unicorn! Wait a second, it’s coming straight for me at a fast pace. Ohhhh, dang me.”
My favorite part about the toy is the disclaimer. It’s not suitable for children three and under. But go ahead and give it to a four year old. It’s great fun!
My coworker, let me pause here and explain, has an advanced degree. She is also intimidatingly smart. Her tone of voice smacks with smarty-pantsicitis. Yeah, that’s how I deal with intelligent people – I make up my own words. So anyway, my coworker’s favorite part of the toy was the Unicorn Code. Which is printed on the box as follows:
The Unicorn Code
1. Unicorns never lie. (They probably say, ‘Hello, my name is Avenging Unicorn. I am here to kill you.’)
2. Unicorns always lend a helping hand. (Unless they are busy impaling you at the moment.)
3. Unicorns are loyal. (See response to number two).
4. Unicorns can keep a secret. (It is part of the Unicorn mafia code. If you tell, you’re outta the family).
5. Unicorns don’t use drugs. (But the adults who actually play with this set probably do).
I am jealous of my coworker’s friend who sends her these totally cool, albeit random, weird toys. A friend that would know me well enough to know I’d appreciate a good Zombie Apocalypse at my slightly advanced age would be awesome. I couldn’t even think of who to buy this kind of stuff for. On the website I looked up to refresh my memory about the unicorn I found an ad for a Marie Antoinette action figure with Ejectable Head. Suddenly, I wanted to do all my Christmas shopping on this one website. But if I followed through with that plan, people would suspect me of breaking Unicorn Code number 5. So, I will stick with the traditional Christmas gifts. But in my heart, you’re receiving a Marie Antoinette action figure.
In case you think I’m lying, check out this and other cool gifts at http://www.shakespearesden.com/11554.html (site no longer available)