Remember a long time ago, during the last year in the last millennium? The year was 1999 and there was some hoopla over something commonly referred to as Y2K. Life as we knew it was going to end – or at least drastically change – at the stroke of midnight January 1, 2000. The year even had its own anthem. The artist formally known as, or is currently again known as (I can never remember), Prince sung about the ultimate New Year’s Eve for our lifetime in the early eighties. When the year 1999 rolled around he was poised to receive some hefty royalties that should ensure a lofty retirement. Or to pay for some therapy to discover if he is in fact a Prince, a symbol, or just a creepy little man. The song was played ad nauseam that year. Genius little guy!
It’s 2012 and instead of an anthem, we have a very long movie. When the movie 2012 came out a few years ago, it was one of those blockbusters the critics panned. No surprise, isn’t that usually how it works? But the trailers sold me on the premise completely. I eagerly awaited its arrival in theaters. I can handle destruction and chaos – as long as it stays on a movie screen.
Sure, there have been comments about gaping plot holes in the movie. But it takes a lot to deter me from watching a movie. After all, I’ve sat through Hallmark Channel movies. It’s not as if it was mismarketed like other movies (looking at you any post Sixth Sense M. Night Shyamalan movie). The movie delivered pretty much what I wanted to see. Utter destruction of the world as we know it while I sit in the comfort and safety of a movie theater? Check.
It wasn’t the most memorable of movies. I forgot almost the whole storyline. Only certain keywords stuck out to me: 2012, modern day arks, and Yellowstone National Park (which oddly enough, this movie gave me the desire to revisit the park). This week it’s been on tv twice (and it’s only January). I’ve been able to catch a little bit of it and now I remember. I remember what I didn’t like about it.
First of all, it has a running time of 158 minutes. That’s 2.5 hours in the theatrical release. Now that commercials are being thrown in it probably takes a full evening. I have the attention span of a gnat. And really, after the first few buildings fall into the ocean, how much annihilation can I actually handle watching at once?
Second, I’m fine with California falling into the ocean. I’m okay with Yellowstone blowing up. I can handle the whole secretive ark building in China. Although, China? Really? I can accept the heads of nations hand picking the survivors. And I can even live with the fact the little hero family makes it all the way to China just in time to be saved. After all that, I’m willing to hang in there. And then – spoiler alert – Gordon dies. So, after sitting through a movie in which the entire world is destroyed and masses of people are killed, the with-it boyfriend dies and the slacker dad lives (he took his kids on a camping trip in a limo for crying out loud!). It gave the movie a forced happy ending to serve as a band aid for all the obliteration. A note to the movie writers: it’s kinda movie making 101 to make the boyfriend a heel before killing him off. I thought that was common knowledge. Guess not. Glad I can help.
It’s only January and I’ve already watched this movie more than I thought I would. It’s going to be a long year.
