Diagnosis
I just knew I was sick as can be
there had to be something seriously wrong with me.
Of all the people that ever lived in history
no one has ever been quite as sick as yours truly.
Turns out my only malady
is a case of anxiety.
Really?
I thought for sure I was a goner, see,
And this diagnosis doesn’t exactly
help me.
© 2013 ck’s days
The Stormy Night
The old priest stood by the big front doors of the church and watched the blizzard. “I feel like I’m in a snow globe,” he said to only the falling snow. After a few moments of reflection, he closed the doors and shuffled back inside the chapel. Most of the parishioners stayed home locked safely in their warm houses, only a few of the regulars braved the snowstorm to come to church that evening. After seven o’clock, nobody came. The chapel was empty except for one man who had been sitting on the same pew for most of the evening.
It was not an unfamiliar sight to the priest. He had seen more than a few poor souls racked with torment and guilt. But this man didn’t once look around to find a priest or to search out a confessional, he kept to himself. That intrigued the old cleric.
The priest watched all evening as the younger man alternated positions of having his head rest on the pew in front of him and stretching back and looking at the ceiling. Even though his old body was beginning to slow down, the priest was proud of the fact he still had a pretty good memory – especially when it came to faces. He knew he had never seen the young man in the church before.
The priest started a systematic check of each row to make sure hymnals were put away. As he worked his way down the chapel, row by row, he glanced at the man from time to time. When he finally got to the man’s row, he asked, “Excuse me, are there any hymn books on this row?
The man, who appeared to be about thirty, looked to the side of him and then back at the priest. “No, sir.”
“Mind if I sit?” The priest pointed to the pew in front of the man.
The younger man sat up and straightened his tie. “I’m not a member,” he said and waved his hand to signify the building. “I just came in here because I need a place to think.”
“Oh yes,” the priest nodded his head and sat down. “Everyone is welcome here.”
The young man looked at the priest and forced a laugh.
The priest looked at the expensive suit on the young man and noticed it seemed to contradict his appearance. It had been soaked through with snow and still looked pretty damp. A puddle of muddy water formed at his feet from snow. It also looked as if he had worn that suit for several days and it had been awhile since he had shaved. His black, thick hair had apparently been greased back at one time, but now was frizzing giving the young man a wild appearance. “You don’t believe me?” The priest rested his right stubby leg on the bench so that he could see the young man’s face.
The man played with a wedding band in his fingers and stared down at the floor.
“My son, what troubles you?”
Process your words
Let me take some time
maybe even a day
to understand your words
and process what you say.
31 Dates in 31 Days excerpt
Years ago, I wrote a book. It’s not all that great but it does have a beginning and an end. It’s about a girl named Grace who takes a challenge from a guy named Matt that she can go on 31 dates in 31 days. It is set in an LDS single’s ward.
A lot of the dialogue is taken from actual experiences in my life. Including the following discussion on altitude. Can you guess which character’s voice is mine? Unfortunately, it is not the heroine’s.
Here is a chapter from my book.
My body was still very much upset with me when I woke up Sunday morning. It complained as I was getting ready for church. It definitely let me know how unhappy it was with me when I sat on the bench in the chapel. The folding chair in Sunday School and Relief Society didn’t appease it any.
The good news during church was it was my fourth week since Matt and I started the game. It was old news. I hardly got any stares or comments. The news article from last week seemed all but forgotten. For the first time all month, I felt like a regular member.
My date for the night was Niles Scott, a tall skinny guy who turned red every time he spoke in his monotonous voice. We were going to another fireside at the bishop’s house.
When we arrived to the bishop’s house, people had already gathered. The living room was full of people. There were two empty spots on the love seat next to Lexi, but I kept looking. “Where do you want to sit?” I asked but as I turned around Niles was gone. “Okay, table for one,” I mumbled.
“Grace,” I heard my name called.
I scanned the room of people but couldn’t figure out who had called out to me.
“Grace,” I heard again. The voice seemed to be coming from the couch. But that would mean it was Lexi calling me. Surely, my ears were playing tricks on me.
“Grace,” she said again and laughed sweetly. “Here’s a spot.”
I looked around the room again to see if there were any other options. There wasn’t.
“I don’t bite,” she said sweetly.
I walked to the couch and sat down. “Thanks,” was all I could say.
“So,” she started, “I hear you got a boyfriend out of your …” she bit her bottom lip, “game.”
“Well…” I wished I had disappeared with Niles.
“That’s so great!” she continued. “I’m so happy for you.”
I looked around the room for any other place to sit.
“Matty,” Lexi called out causing me to jump. “I saved you a spot.”
He smiled and nodded but continued to look around the room. But she had saved the last possible sitting place. He walked over and sat on the other side of her. As soon as he did, she linked arms with him.
“I’m surprised you didn’t bring your boyfriend,” Lexi said to me.
“Mac?” I asked. “He’s working.”
“Too bad. It is hard dating someone who chooses to work on Sunday. What was it you said in your talk a few weeks ago?” she asked Matt.
“Working on Sunday is not good.” Matt mumbled and I had to fight hard not to laugh.
Lexi’s eyes narrowed. “Anyway, maybe we could double some time.”
Matt coughed loudly and tried unsuccessfully to untangle his arm from hers. Doogan walked in and was crestfallen when he saw our seating arrangement.
“Doogan!” I said causing Matt and Lexi to jump. “Why don’t you sit here?”
He shook his head but inched forward.
“No, I’ve got to find my date,” I stood up. “You might as well.” He was already to the couch. I walked to the doorway and looked back. Doogan looked happy. Lexi looked annoyed. And Matt looked uncomfortable, which I felt bad about.
I found the kitchen and also my date. Niles was talking to the bishop’s wife.
“Hi,” I said. “I wondered where you disappeared to.”
The bishop’s wife looked at me and then at Niles and smiled. “I better go see if bishop needs any help.” She said and patted my arm as she went into the other room.
I sat on a stool next to Niles. We sat in silence for a few moments.
“The weather is supposed to get warmer,” he spoke looking down at the counter.
At first, I wondered if he had seen Mac’s call out to me on the news and was making fun of me. But after studying him for a few seconds, I could tell this was just his topic of choice. “Yeah, I heard that.”
“We’re cooler than Salt Lake or Denver,” he continued.
“Yeah, I’ve noticed. Wyoming is cooler.” I would have used the word colder.
“It’s because of our altitude,” he said matter-of-factly and almost made eye contact with me.
“Is that right?” I wondered if I could get my spot back on the couch.
“We’re in the mountains, so we’ll always be cooler.”
“So,” I tried making the conversation light, “we should move some place lower?”
“Only if you like it hotter,” he looked at me. If he didn’t look so sincere, I would have started laughing.
I nodded. “Do you want to come in for the fireside?”
“I prefer to stay in here.”
I bit my lip trying to decide what proper dating etiquette called for.
“There you are,” Matt said walking into the kitchen. “We’re about ready to start.”
“Don’t you want to come in?” I asked Niles.
“Bishop wants to get started,” Lexi walked in.
“Go ahead and start, we’ll be in, ” I looked at Niles who kept his head down. “In a few minutes.”
“You coming?” Doogan popped his head in.
Niles started looking for the exits. Judging by our quiet ride here, I could tell we were three people past his comfort zone.
“You all should go in,” I felt bad for intruding on Niles’ solitude.
No one moved. Niles began fidgeting. I was as uncomfortable as Niles looked.
“Hey everyone,” the bishop said patting Doogan’s back warmly. “The fireside is in the other room.”
I looked at everyone. I went into the living room and sat on the floor in front of the tv. Lexi and Doogan sat on the couch. Matt stayed by the kitchen doorway and leaned against the wall. Niles never came in.
Everyone in the room snickered and whispered. I didn’t get much out of the fireside that night.
Never lost
Voices
Red Light
Here I am
waiting, hating
the red light.
Wishing I
coulda, shoulda
taken a right.
Traffic is
going not slowing
in front of me.
I am here
slow, a no-go
and I want to be.
So red light
will you help me out?
I need to
make a left turn right now.
I am so
tired of being stuck here –
I need you
to give me the all clear.
This one change
will all begin with you
If you will
just turn and let me through.
Please let me
be on my way
and leave all
this to yesterday.
Here I am
waiting, hating
the red light.
Wishing I
coulda, shoulda
taken a right.
© 2013 ck’s days
Time to get away
I think I need to get away this weekend. Let me explain.
I have a friend – and I’ll leave her name out because she’ll know who she is in about two seconds – who is on Facebook. Right before she joined she was given some safety advice:
“Don’t use your real birthday because people can steal your identity.”
We discuss this every year in August at about the time of her birthday. I admire her fortitude for not changing her profile to her correct birthday date. Way to not give into peer pressure, friend! Even if most of the pressure comes from me.
My first year on Facebook I left my birthday off. But after wishing every single person on the planet a happy birthday the following year – I added mine. If I’m going to wish you a “happy, happy birthday” I want the same in return. And yes, I keep track. But in mature fashion not in a totally childish, petty way.
I try to be respectful. If a friend’s birthday doesn’t pop up in the reminder window then who am I to blab his or her secret? I wish that person a “happy day for whatever reason ;)” Yep, I’m so clever.
Today Facebook said it was her birthday. “No, it’s not,” I said. To be honest, my alter-ego Ms. Cranky Pants has been rearing her grumpy head again causing trouble. It happens every year when I return from my road trip and I’m a little disappointed my better offer didn’t magically fall in my lap a la any Hallmark movie. One day it will. But not this year. So, Ms. Cranky Pants has surfaced and is living up to her name. Thanks to her, I am due for a stern talking-to at work. Thanks for that Ms. Pants.
So, I have been a bit of a cranky stinker. “It’s not her birthday,” I complained. “I’m not going to wish her a second happy birthday.” Because, as you know, to wish somebody a second happy birthday in one year will pretty much cause the apocalypse to rain down.
Later in the day as I perused Facebook posts I saw how a mutual friend handled it: “I’m so glad I get to wish you another happy birthday!”
Well poop. It might be time for Ms. Cranky Pants to get out of town.
