Any long time reader of this little blog will know that I am single. I have mentioned it a time or two. The reader will also know that as an observer, I have made a few posts about relationships and specifically marriage. Not that I claim to be an expert on any such thing. I just share a few observations I notice outside looking in. If my few little thoughts might help anyone along the way, I count it as a success. If my thoughts do not help, I pray they don’t cause any damage. There’s enough of that in the world and that is not the intent of what I share. As always, if there are serious issues please do not feel ashamed in getting help. As I often say, we think nothing of going to the doctor for medical attention but often hide the fact we may need help dealing with our emotions and behaviors. Which I think is just pure ridiculousness. Here are a few of my thoughts, take from it what you will.

Preventative Care isn’t just for Physical Care

For years I have said what a newly wedded couple needs, the absolute ultimate wedding gift, would be the gift of therapy. Of course, it isn’t cheap so maybe the two families could go in together on it. If you think about it, marriage or long-term relationships are a bit of a hard ask. It’s not surprising there are so many broken homes and relationships when it’s combining the lives of two different people with different perceptions and learning experiences. It’s actually a miracle there have been so many successful ones. I don’t mean to sound pessimistic, I’m just saying taking two separate lives and combining them into one with one purpose and goal is not going to naturally happen for most people. It’s going to take work. A lot of work from what I see from my seat looking in. Maybe not every couple needs therapy but isn’t it better to get those adjustments early on before the situation drops to a level of not wanting to repair it all? Waiting for later often just creates a lot of baggage to unpack and sometimes the baggage takes over. The reason I suggest therapy or counseling is it brings an outside perspective which may help the couple notice the things being swept under the rug. There is no shame in seeking help.

Survival Communication isn’t Always Healthy

I have this theory that when we are little and first learning how to communicate we learn the skills for survival. To get what we need. And sometimes we learn wrong or I should say, unhealthy ways to get what we need. Which might be fine for one person to get by in life but entering another person into the equation and there is a whole wide open space of problems. This is absolutely connected to preventative care because what kills a relationship over time is poor communication. Taking the time early on to learn healthy communicating skills with a partner could save a marriage down the road. I’m guessing. It is just a theory, after all. Is learning healthy communication difficult? Yes, it can be. Is it uncomfortable? Yes, it probably will be. Is it necessary? Absolutely. Relearning communication skills from survival to healthy is a relationship-saving skill.

Stay in Your Lane

Never in the history of humans has it turned out well for one person to attempt to control another person. I’m guessing. So focus on what you can actually control which is only you and your reaction. That is it. The more you attempt to control what you really have no control over the less control of anything you will have. Imagine a person out chopping wood. There is a well-known saying based on this very scenario but I’ll describe it anyway. With the wood chipper in mind, picture it if that person tried to control where and how all the wood chips would fall while chopping wood. It’s not a realistic picture, is it? Just like that wood chipper we all need to learn to let the chips fall where they may. In today’s vernacular, we need to stay in our own lane. This probably makes some readers cringe thinking of this because the thought of giving up control may feel like a failure or that others would think less of you. That is a false notion and another reason why therapy might be a good idea. To learn to give up that overreaching control could ease some tension. Focusing on controlling your reaction and letting the chips fall where they may might ease some tension and allow for healthy communication to bud.

This has been just a few observations I have noticed. None of it is backed by research so you really don’t have to do anything with it. I just don’t like to see so many unrealistic expectations that lead to broken dreams. It’s not easy combining two lives but it is possible. I wish you the best and hope for your success.