Judging from the title of this post you are probably thinking this is the most unnecessariest of unnecessary posts. All you need to do is make a person angry. And I agree with you. In this time of easily offended people a how-to on angering folks may be similar to telling a short person they are, in fact, short. Trust me, a short gal knows she is short. In that spirit of useless advice, here is my sure-fire way of angering someone – anyone in fact.

Now, if you have just joined the make-em angry train let me tell you not every method will work for every person. For some, it might take a comment about their appearance (I wish I could put as little effort as you do into choosing my outfits but I like to look decent when I go out in public), or their eating habits (you sure have a lot of candy wrappers in your garbage). For some, it takes dragging their family or friends into the ring (Oh, you’re one of those Smiths?). And then there are others who get annoyed if you breathe wrong around them. In short, there are a lot of ways to make someone angry but not every way is fool proof.

Except for these two things. You arm yourself with these two things and you will get you a fight 99% of the time. That statistic is made up by the way but I’m pretty sure it would be close to accurate.

Number 2 way to pick a fight: tell someone how to do their job. This is most effective if you have never done their job before. It is 100% reliable if you have no idea what they are even doing. No one likes a couch coach. So, if you feel like getting into a good fight, you go out and tell someone how to do their job. Or project. Or parent (that always starts the best fights). The longer they have been working on [job, project, parenting] and the less time you have done said [job, project, parenting] the more vicious the fight will be. Do not attempt this in a weak state of mind. You will need all your faculties on alert for this kind of fight. It will probably get ugly.

Number 1 way to pick a fight: insinuate that your would-be foe is not nearly as busy as you are. This is the time of busyness. It’s a status quo and to even insinuate someone is not reaching it is an insult. So, you mention you couldn’t possibly do what they are doing because you don’t have the free time that they obviously have. This will get you in a fight 105% of the time. How could it be over 100%? Trust me on this. You will aim your comments at one person and yet others in the vicinity will feel the hit just the same. Nobody likes to be told they are not busy. Having free time or not being busy is probably the worst thing you say about someone. And not just that they aren’t busy but that they aren’t nearly as busy as you are. That last component is the crucial piece here. In order to get a good fight going, you have to make a comparison. Strip them of that busy-badge-of-honor and place yourself on a pedestal. I’ll come watch that fight.

Now, a word of warning as you start to pick your fights. Do not overuse either tactic. Using either weapon too often you will slip from combative to just plain annoying. An annoying person gets avoided. Or placated so that they will just go away. If you slip into the annoying person category, you won’t see as many fights.

You have to use each weapon sparingly and it’s best if you do not use the tactics on the same person. Using all your combative arsenal on only one person moves you straight past annoying and combative, it lands you in the criminal thinking category. And that will eventually land you in therapy. The methods discussed here are only intended for occasional use to clean out your system and reset things. That is my disclaimer to keep me out of therapy.

I think I’ve done my part in all this. Do I condone starting fights? No., not at all. But if you’re going to do something you might as well do it right. I mean, this whole post is kind of an example of method number 2 – is it not? To finish up I guess I could say you should attempt either one of these methods. You know, since you have so much time on your hands that you actually read this nonsense. I can’t because I’m too busy writing this nonsense to join in.