I sat in the waiting room of the University of Utah Hospital. A day earlier I received my first introduction to CLL (Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia). That’s what mom had. She laid in a bed in ICU hooked up to beeping machines and tubes. This was the beginning process of what would become four years of what she called, “Poking and prodding.” On this day, only two of us could visit her at a time so I waited for another turn in the waiting room. I sat there and took a deep breath.
Sad Days
Dealing with grief and mourning
Task at Hand
The Story Behind the Post: Today I Will
My original plan was to explain yesterday’s post on my Facebook page. But my explanation became quite lengthy. So, an extra post this week it is.
My mom had just been diagnosed with CLL. My family rejoiced in the fact that she defied the odds and was still with us despite a very close call. She was thinner, older, and tired but she was fighting.
Mrs. Christmas (repost from 2011)
A different kind of Christmas this year.
Along with laughter, I’ll probably shed a tear.
I so wish that you were here,
And hope you are somewhere near –
To enjoy the celebration with us.
How I miss you – Mrs. Christmas!
Forgive Me for Not Singing Silent Night
I’m not a Grinch. Or a Scrooge. Let me just preface this blog. I love singing Christmas carols and I listen to them in the appropriate time period (between Thanksgiving and Christmas day). There are a few I consider favorites. But there is one I refuse to listen to this holiday season.
I never appreciated Silent Night. Despite the fact it is the go-to carol for any Christmas gathering trying to focus on the true reason for the season. The celebrity of yuletide hymns. It gets over played a bit for my taste and I’m tired of it.
Plus, it’s my mom’s favorite Christmas carol. She loved Silent Night.
Last year I refused to listen to it. I am continuing my boycott this holiday. Do you know how hard it is to avoid Silent Night for an entire Christmas season? It’s like trying to avoid the cheese in a Mac and Cheese dinner. Darn near impossible.
For some reason, the powers-that-be that decide the hymns during Sacrament meeting decided to switch things up a bit and use Silent Night as the kick-off to the season. Last year and this year we sang that tender song as the very first song of the holiday. Last season, it was the Sunday before my mom’s funeral. It about did in a whole bench of Lees. And this year, when I planned on bearing my testimony in honor of my mother’s anniversary of slipping through the veil, they sang that song. I excused myself and hid out of earshot. It took everything I had to regain my composure and continue as planned with my testimony later in the service. Seriously? Everyone knows Silent Night is supposed to be the last hymn of the season.
A couple of Tuesdays ago, when we took the girls caroling, they sung it. Twice. The first time I stood resolutely in the back waiting patiently for them to finish. The second time, I wasn’t so fortunate. Through no fault of my own I stood in front of the group and had to join in. Those Young Women better appreciate the sacrifice I made for them! Of course, I didn’t tell anyone. I realize it’s kind of silly.
Someday, I will probably love Silent Night. Someday, it will produce sweet, cherished memories of my mom. Someday. But for this season, please excuse me while I continue to forego singing it.
Our Christmas Angel
Right before Christmas
you had to leave us.
That left a mark
on my heart.
But I’m your daughter
so I’m a fighter –
and I got this.
Yeah, I got this.
Traditions = Pickles
I’ve been warned this holiday season is going to be harder than last year. Last year I spent it in a state of shock. Mom was only “away” for the season. She wasn’t gone forever. She’d be back. Wrong.
Happy Birthday, Momma!
Today would be my mom’s 71st birthday. You may be aware we lost mom last December 2nd. If you have followed my blog at all the past year, you may have seen numerous posts on grief (see the Sad Days Tab under categories) as I worked through my mourning period. This particular post is not like those. This post will be a reflection of what I learned from one good momma. It’s a celebration of good memories of a good life.
Fall Colors
Photo by MM Lee
I drove through the canyon
while the fall colors bloomed.
My eyes feasted on the sights –
red trees, purple trees, golden trees.
Missing My Momma’s Hugs
Due to some recent changes at work, it’s been a tough month for me. I’ve come home exhausted in the evening. I don’t deal well with utter tiredness. Let’s just say, I get a little emotional and irrational.
ck's days 