My mom passed away 14 years ago this December. In some ways, it feels like yesterday. There are a few memories of that December I still carry with me. In other ways though, I can feel those 14 years as a distance. And converting those 14 years into distance, it reaches all the way to the moon. Occasionally though, that distance is shortened at night while I sleep. Every now and then, my subconscious brings mom back to me in my dreams.

Sort of.

My original dreams all featured mom circa 1988. I’m not sure why that particular year other than the fact that was when my brother got married. Maybe those wedding photos are locked into my memory’s database. So when my mind opens a file, that is what is in there. Whatever the reason, in my early dreams mom was only about 47 years old.

At some point, and it’s possible it could have been when I turned 48 and my brain couldn’t handle thinking of mom when she was younger than my current age, I stopped seeing her in my dreams all together. I must admit, knowing I am in my 50’s and dreaming of my mom in her 40’s is probably enough to cause a computing malfunction. An error. My brain couldn’t handle it so it sort of shut down.

But not really.

It came up with a work-around. Now when I have the opportunity to have mom grace my dreams, she is always in another room. I know she is there. I can feel her presence. But I can’t see her. She is always leaving though and I know she is leaving without me. I can’t go with her to wherever she may be off to in my dream. A trip to the store. A trip to visit a family member. She is leaving and I have to stay behind.

So, instead of seeing my mom in my dreams, she has become an off-camera character. Think Mrs Wolowitz in The Big Bang Theory (2007-2019) or more specifically Maris on Frasier (1993-2004). Although I never get to hear her, I just know she is in the other room. I feel her presence and know she is nearby.

While I can’t say for certain, I like to think she IS nearby. Maybe it’s just like that, we are only separated by some cosmic wall that doesn’t allow us to be in the same room. But she is close and never really left.

It’s a lovely thought.

Let me have this.