CHAPTER I

Amy stood at the kitchen sink washing dishes.  Although it was taking her longer than usual because her thoughts kept drifting as she looked out the window.  A gentle snow had been falling most of the day but that wasn’t what she was thinking about.  There was still so much to be done and she needed to take advantage of the quiet time while the baby was sleeping and the kids were downstairs watching Christmas movies but she couldn’t focus.  Her parents and in-laws would be coming for Christmas dinner in a few hours, yet she couldn’t stay on track with finishing the preparations.  Sure, the turkey was in the oven slowly cooking its way to perfection or at the very least, something edible, but all the side dishes needed to be fixed.  Yet, here she stood, staring out the window, her hands slowly wiping the dirty dishes and numbly placing them one by one in the drain.  No matter how many times she shook her head to regain focus, her thoughts always drifted off to one particular thing: her marriage.

Since last night, her memories had been coming vivid and sharp.  She could remember the smallest details.  Details that had become muted because of quantity.  Her and Stewart met when they were in the ninth grade.  They were in homeroom together and although she professed to her friends that she thought the new student from New York was a jerk, she was secretly fascinated with the city boy.  He seemed so much more mature than the other boys in school.  They spent the first year of their acquaintance doing a metaphoric dance of boundaries and testing.   It was some kind of unspoken competition to see who could deliver the most insulting, sarcastic comment to each other.  A year later, it came as a surprise that the insults were actually a heavily veiled attraction that neither one wanted to admit.  But when they finally did confess their true feelings, they became somewhat of a power couple of the school.  Always together, never separated.

They made it through one year of college before realizing they wanted to make it permanent so they married.  It was expected.  It was true.  Amy and Stewart were best friends and they started a family.  Their love story was the story others told with a hint of jealousy.  The kind of story that couldn’t be shared in a novel because it was seemingly too perfect.  Everyone knew these two would make it.  They would be together forever.

So, it was unexpected when after twelve years of marriage and four children, Stewart approached Amy the night before Christmas Eve and sat her down.  “Look,” he said holding her hands in his and rubbing them gently, “I’ve been doing some thinking.”

“It’s too late to cancel our holiday plans,” she said with a bit of a smirk.  “It was your idea to have the whole family for dinner.”  She had warned him that the group would be too large and a bit overwhelming but he had been determined to have a good old fashioned family Christmas.  He insisted on inviting both sets of parents along with all nearby siblings over for dinner.  They were expecting over 30 people the next day. 

He looked down.  “No, I’ve just been thinking, you know, I’m 31 now.”

“We both are,” she said. 

“Right,” he stood up.  “Don’t you feel like we missed so much of our twenties?”

She thought about it.  “Not really.  We were beginning our family.  I don’t think we missed out.  If anything, we were ahead of the curve.”

“Exactly!” he said causing her to jump.  “We were the first of our friends to start a family.  While they were out living life and finding themselves here we were already.  Settling into life.  No chance to explore and have adventures.”

“I don’t know about that, having four kids has provided plenty of adventures.”

“Old people adventures.  Not young people adventures.” He walked to the window and looked out.

She studied the back of him since he didn’t turn around.  “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying, I think we missed out.”  There was a moment of silence before he turned around.  “I think that decade after our teens was crucial to figure ourselves out and we jumped ahead and lost out.”

“I don’t feel like I lost out on anything.” He avoided her gaze so she stood up and locked eyes with him.  “But that’s how you feel?”

He looked away.  “I don’t know.  Maybe.”

She nodded and sat back down.  “That is probably something you need to figure out then, isn’t it?”

He shrugged and walked out of the room.

He slept on the couch that night and left quietly for work.  She hadn’t spoken to him all day but wondered what his thought process at the moment was.  Had he decided to leave?  Surely, he would come for dinner.  It was Christmas dinner after all and both families were coming.  He wouldn’t leave her hanging, would he?

A knock on the door roused her and she opened the kitchen door to see her friend Sarah smiling.  “Hey,” Sarah said, “I thought you could use some help.”

Amy forced a smile in return. “As always, you read my thoughts.”  She opened the door wider to let her friend come in.

Sarah nodded.  “Uh-oh, what’s wrong?”

Amy should have known she couldn’t hide anything from her friend.  Ever since she could remember, Sarah had been there.  There had been several times when Amy had tried to recall when the two had met but she never could.  Sarah just always seemed to have been a part of Amy’s life.  She was a constant that was included in a lot of Amy’s memories. 

When Amy’s little sister died in an accident who was there? Sarah.

When Amy and Stewart almost broke off their engagement who was there? Sarah.

When Amy had to have an additional mammogram after test results came back worrisome who was there? Sarah.

She was Amy’s oldest friend and aside from Stewart, her deepest confidant.  There were no secrets between the two. 

So, of course Sarah knew to show up for Christmas dinner early.

“It’s nothing,” Amy said as her friend came in and looked around at what needed to be done. Eventually she would tell her friend everything but unloading it right before Christmas dinner didn’t seem appropriate.  She would wait until after the holidays.

“Mm-hmm,” Sarah replied looking at her friend.

She’s good, Amy thought, and then felt compelled to share everything.

When she finished telling the story, she thought for a moment.  “It’s just that, after twelve years of marriage we have become so comfortable.  Maybe too comfortable.  Maybe we traded the spark for casualness.  Maybe we’ve become boring.  Maybe I’ve become boring.”

“Is that what you think?” Sarah asked.  “You think raising four kids and maintaining a household is boring?  You think a partnership with your best friend is boring?  You think navigating this world and simply doing your best to not only survive but thrive is boring?”

Amy stuttered.  “I… don’t… know.  Not for me, but maybe for Stewart.”

Sarah nodded.  “So, what?  That’s it?  You just going to let him go like that?”

Amy thought about it.  “I don’t want to force anyone – not even Stewart – to do something they don’t want to do.  If he wants out, he wants out.  There is nothing I can do about it, is there?”

“But there is something to be said about fighting for what you want.  You can’t let him go without telling him what you want.”

Amy tapped her finger on the table.  “Look, I have a big dinner I need to finish before everyone gets here.  You going to help me or not?”

“You know that’s what I’m here for,” Sarah smiled and stood up.

The two friends worked together to prepare the meal and set the table.  With Sarah’s help, they managed to get the food ready by the time guests started showing up.

First to arrive were Amy’s parents.  Then Stewart’s family.  His parents brought a guest by the name of Perkins.  Something about the tall man made Amy feel uncomfortable.  He was well dressed and his black hair was slicked back. He didn’t speak but stood with his arms folded and Amy felt like his gaze was only on her.  All her father-in-law would say about the man was “he needed some place to stay for Christmas.”

But there was still no sign of Stewart.

Dinner was scheduled for four o’clock and Amy looked at the clock several times.  Finally, around 4:30, Sarah suggested they should go ahead and eat. It seemed Stewart truly was gone.

Chapter II