Impossible to Say Goodbye

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by SuzyWordmuser

http://wordmusing.wordpress.com/

Coldness has become my friend

The dark of night wraps around

Joy has gone astray

Uncertain feelings hold me down

A life has been lost

But a life shall be gained

When a new day arrives

You will be here again

When all unfolds

Confusion cleared – and I can see

I will not stand alone

You will live inside of me

You are a breeze upon my face

Invisible to my eye

Forever you will always remain

Impossible – to say goodbye

Written after the death of my mother.  Even when someone has gone, and essence still remains.  Everything they were and all they did for you will still be alive.

 http://wordmusing.wordpress.com/2012/11/08/impossible-to-say-goodbye-2/

Sweet dreams

Occasionally I dream of my mom.  I can no longer see her face but I can feel her presence.  I simply know it’s her.  Lately, when mom does come to visit in a dream it’s with the “she’s not really gone.  She didn’t die.  She was not as sick as we thought,” theme.  I get this hope inside me.  You know, like the hope Rafiki gives to Simba about Mufasa.  Simba chases after the aged simian and the audience thinks, “Oh, I hope Mufasa is really alive!”

I wake up as disappointed as Simba when he looks at his reflection in the pool of water.  Mom is gone.

When she does make an appearance in my dreams she usually talks to the family.  Or helps us out.  We tend to keep her pretty busy.  Some things never change.

I experienced a rather stressful weekend last week.  Not bad stress just busy stress.  I kept busy from quitting time on Friday to Sunday afternoon.  At times, I felt overwhelmed.  Sometimes inadequate.  I questioned if I am really cut out to do the job asked of me.  Thankfully, I was so busy I didn’t have much time to devote to self-doubt.

By the time Sunday afternoon rolled around I felt exhausted.  I gave my best and prayed it was good enough.  That night I had a momma-dream.  This time we just hugged.  It was a long embrace that lasted until I woke up.

It was enough.

I received the strength I needed to face my week.  Yeah, I got this.

Way to go, Steve Wariner!

I have a confession.  Once upon a time, many years ago I went through a country phase.  Don’t blame me, though, it was the early 90’s, the time of Garth Brooks – who personally brought a resurgence of country music.  Plus, I happen to come from two people who prefer Willie Nelson to anything the Beatles had to offer.  So, it’s in my genes and it was inevitable that I would catch it.  My time with country music was brief.  I stopped listening to it when I realized it made me feel older than my peers.

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The story behind the post: Task at hand

Task at hand

I sat in the waiting room of the University of Utah Hospital.  A day earlier I received my first introduction to CLL (Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia).  That’s what mom had.  She laid in a bed in ICU hooked up to beeping machines and tubes.  This was the beginning process of what would become four years of what she called, “Poking and prodding.”  On this day, only two of us could visit her at a time so I waited for another turn in the waiting room.   I sat there and took a deep breath.

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