The Anxiety Inside

How to begin?

I’ve always been the odd one. The one that hurried to class with her head down because walking in late and having everyone’s attention was unthinkable. Not to mention if the teacher said anything to single me out or heaven forbid, reprimand me. The girl who observed but never participated though she thought she was an active participant. The student who spent a sleepless night the night before school thinking of all the things that could go wrong. The quiet one who never spoke in school but bounced off the walls when she arrived at home. The person who blurred the line a bit much between television or movies and real life. Who knew real people were more than stereotypical characters? Typical villains are not 100% jerks and sometimes the hero of the story leads a quiet and unremarkable life.

Yeah, I was that one. Actually, I still am I have just learned to recognize it.

There are many life experiences I will never be able to relate to. I will never know what it is like to feel relaxed while in the midst of a group of people. I will never know what it’s like to go out and not worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. I will never know what it’s like to be at ease in a store. I will probably never know what it’s like not to rehearse conversations in my head before they take place. Or to replay them over and over again after they take place. I will never know what it’s like to be that person who people find warm and comforting or that says the right thing. That’s just not me.

But I will be the one who knows what it’s like to turn red when talking. I can relate to the awkward. I understand what lonely feels like or not having a friend to talk to. I get the whole not fitting in or belonging perception. I share the burden of worrying about every little thing and focusing on obscure details. I am that person.

Words are just words unless they have personal meaning behind them. If these words have meaning for you then let me go on a little more. There is no such thing as normal. It may surprise you how many people may feel one or two of the same things as you. For whatever reason, we have been programmed to hide our nuances. But you are not as alone as you may think you are and you are definitely not as odd as you feel.

Even the darkest night eventually gives way to the dawn. Your darkest night will too.

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