The thing about suffering from social anxiety is it has made me selfish. Everything is always about me. “Did I say the right thing?” Or worse, “Did I say the wrong thing?” “Is that person looking at me funny? Why is that person looking at me funny?” “Everyone must be mad at me. Nobody likes me because I’m awkward.”
It’s no joke. Some days I come home feeling like I have achieved the great and miraculous feat of earning every person’s ire. That would be quite an achievement indeed since most people are wrapped up with their own concerns to even notice me. At least, that’s what I tell myself to convince my irrational fears. And so what if I make people upset? Does every person have to like me? Rationally, I know the answer is no. But anxiety is not rational.
I’m usually too worried about what to say that I don’t say anything at all. And smiling? I have this weird, half smile I give without showing teeth. I’m sure I look rather creepy when I do it.
Here’s the point to my rambling, I want to not be selfish. I am sure trying. But narcissism runs deep in my blood. I have a working plan but this is my goal.
1) Start conversations and ask questions about the other person’s welfare.
2) Daily find someone I can ease a burden for. I know I have done my part to add to someone’s burden. I hope I never do that intentionally again.
3) Use lifting and encouraging words. Beware of sarcasm.
4) Relax and smile – showing teeth.
5) Extend and accept invitations to spend time with people.
Luckily, I have a lifetime to work on these goals and at the rate I’m going, I’ll need it.
ck's days 
The irony of this post is: You are one of the most charitable and giving people I know. Your smile is warm and inviting and your eyes sparkle with compassion. It is too bad that irrationality sometimes distorts your view of yourself (as it does all of us). You’re Awesome!
Studies have shown that people who are anxious and use sarcasm as a form of humour are often very intelligent and giving. I know where you’re coming from though – I can relate. Often when I’m talking to other people my mind is off and racing about a million things and I forget to actually just listen to the person. I have to stop myself and pay attention.
It’s hard cause we’re afraid that if we’re nice to someone, they won’t be nice back and we’ll look stupid. It happens to me all the time at work, but the more it does, the more I just realise that I shouldn’t change who I really want to be – which is the kind, uplifting me – just because some people might not like it or may take it the wrong way.
I’m right there with you!
Ah, thanks! 🙂
It’s even more frustrating when we KNOW but still fall into that immobilizing (for me anyway) trap. Ah well, nobody is perfect and we all have junk to work on! Again, I remind myself… 🙂 thanks for the comment!