Smiley’s

I Think I’ll Spend Some Time Outside Tomorrow. Away from the tv and computer.

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photo courtesy google.comIn case you missed it, I’ve been sick since Monday.  I even had to stay home from work Tuesday and half-a-day Wednesday.  My evenings have been spent glued to my recliner.  It all comes down to this:  I watched A LOT of media this week.  Not just my normal nighttime stuff, but extra daytime and early evening viewing as well. 

I feel like the Intersect has been downloaded to my brain.  Don’t understand?  I feel like I’ve been hijacked with tracker-jacker venom and I’m trying to distinguish between what’s real and not.  If you are still clueless, let me try one more time.  I’ve watched a lot of mind-numbing television and surfed the internet for hours. In the process, I learned things I didn’t want to know.

Here’s a few gems from this week’s media overload.

As if once wasn’t enough, the 80mph wife and jerk-husband cycled again this week.  This time the viral video was “enhanced” with Erik Estrada.  You might notice I didn’t put a link to this video.  That’s because I hate it.  Your next question might be, “Well, why do you keep watching it and posting about it?”  First, I didn’t watch the whole thing (again), and second, I WAS SICK.  With a fevered brain I might add.  

This clip reminded me of a few things to be grateful for.  The husband again reminded me that there are worse things than being single.   As for Mr. Estrada?  I think it’s a sad, sad commentary on our society when even fake cops can’t retire.  Do you think he keeps a CHiPS suit hanging in his closet for just-in-case moments such as this?  If so, how often does he whip it out?   And the ever-increasing creepy question, when do you think he uses it? 

Okay, new subject.  Quick!

Alicia Silverstone made news this week.  You remember, the girl from Clueless.  Apparently, she chews her food for her 10 month old son and then feeds him mama bird style.  It never ends well for a kid when a mom learns parenting techniques by watching Animal Planet.  Personally, I still remember the horror of heading to church as a child and my mother looking at my face.  “You didn’t wash your face?”  She asked incredulously.  With one swift motion her two fingers went into her mouth and wiped off my face.  The technical term for it was cat-bath.  My personal name for it was, “Ick. Gross!”  The baby bird thing tops the cat bath.

It’s been awhile since I’ve watched Entertainment Tonight.  I have a couple of questions.  Where’s Mary Hart?  And who’s the guy with the Scottish accent?  I might have to start watching more often.  Anyway, the entertainment guru pointed out that Jennifer Lawrence, the star of the Hunger Games, apparently doesn’t wash her hands after using the facilities.  She called it “overrated” and claimed that the sink is full bacteria (as opposed to what’s on her hands after using the restroom?).  I had to investigate this further.  Apparently, it’s only public restrooms and the actress is already crying the “out of context” defense.  I hope it was taken out of context.  I really, really hope so.

Megan Fox.  Oh, Megan, Megan.  I don’t normally keep up with Megs since she has never done anything remotely interesting to me.  However, since I had time on my hand and a mouse bent on surfing, I did find this gem of a quote, “I would not trade my place with an unattractive girl.”  All I have to say is what a relief!  I can’t count how many nights I lied awake wondering what would happen if she came knocking and wanted all of this.  What would I be left with?  Brian Austin Green and her talent?  What? Too mean?  Don’t throw cake statements at us commoners and not expect the guillotine.    Someone in her inner-circle needs to pull her aside and whisper two words to her: Kelly Lebrock.  In response, Megan would reply, “Who?”  Exactly.

Maybe someone already has because I noticed her back-pedaling retraction came out hours ago.  Her statement was – you guessed it – taken out of context.  Maybe, and I’m just throwing it out there as a suggestion, maybe actors should use written scripts for their interviews.

Now for a little fun fact that made me laugh.  I actually heard this on NPR today at work.  Yes, when there are witnesses around I listen to NPR and save my ET viewing for when I’m at home alone.  Scientists are doing studies to discover why spiders don’t stick to their own webs.  I missed the whole purpose to this segment.  I’m sure it’s important.  Anyway, among one of the methods for studying is washing the spiders’ legs off.  Who gets that job?  And how hard is it to wash those little tiny legs without detaching them from the body?

And finally, what blog review of this week would be complete without mentioning the $640,000,000 lottery.  The optimists are snatching up tickets.  The rest of us are pointing out little stats the smarty-pants-stats men and women are figuring out for us.  Such as:  you are more likely to be struck by lightning than winning.  Or getting two holes-in-one during one game.  Or, my personal favorite, you’re 100 times more likely to die of a flesh eating bacteria.  But buena suerte to you!  Or, may the odds be ever in your favor.  

I think I better de-tech this weekend.

I Feel as Lousy as I Look

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Chain of Events:

Mid-January, the Super Spiritual Activity for March 24, 2012 is planned. 

As of March 1st, I pray for two things:  good roads and good health.

March 13:  my officemate announces, “My throat tickles.”

March 14:  my officemate complains about her sore throat.  I glare at the back of her head (I sit behind her).

March 15-19: my officemate stays home sick.

March 20:  my officemate returns to work declaring, “I can’t afford to stay home any longer.”  Ms. Cranky Pants would like to make a point of difference here.  She is a salaried employee.  Her husband has a pretty good job.  She could afford to stay home longer but chose not to.

March 20-23: my officemate works in our closet office while hacking up a lung and complaining.  She is the beneficiary of many a dirty glare from me.

March 23:  I decide to go to the Hunger Games matinee.  A little five-ish year old sits in front of me and wet coughs periodically.  “Oh, c’mon!” I complain in a very loud thought.  “Give me a break.”

March 24:  I am not sick.

March 25:  I am not sick.

March 26:  I am sick.

It reminds me of an episode of…shockingly, not Friends.  It reminds me of an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. 

Things I Have in Common with…Peyton Manning

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photo courtesy the web

In case you haven’t heard, four-time MVP Peyton Manning has been released from his job.  I was released from a job once.  It wasn’t pleasant.  His job, however, was as quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts.  So, our releases are probably slightly different.

I was 15 and just started my very first job at a fast food place.  My dad, a wholesale grocer, pulled some strings to get me work with one of his customers as he did with my older brother and sister.  All I can say is that I tried.  I was so nervous about being late I had my mom drop me off 15 minutes early.  Plus, I concentrated so much I hardly dared smile.  Great start for a customer-service oriented business. 

My first assignment was working the drive-thru window.  This was in the days before headsets and fancy equipment.  I had a microphone and a speaker.  Most of the time people would sound a lot like Charlie Brown’s teacher.  “Welcome to Frosty Freeze, may I take your order?”  I’d try to show enthusiasm but I was so anxious it probably came out sounding like a mix of Bobcat Goldthwait and Howie Mandel. 

“Waa-waa-waa, waa-waa (muffle), waa, waa Coke, please.” Is what I heard in return.

“Can you repeat that?” I’d ask.  Sometimes, after the 5th or 6th attempt I’d have them pull to the window and tell me in person. 

If my trainer was nearby she’d whisper to me, “They want a Crown Combo with a small order of fries.”  It was amazing how well she could understand CharlieBrownTeacher talk. 

I was happy I understood one customer’s request.  “Peanut butter ice-cream.”

But I had never heard of that flavor.  I asked him to wait a moment and I found my trainer.  “Do we have Peanut butter ice-cream?”  I asked.

She smiled and shook her head.  “I think somebody is messing with you.”

I went back to the microphone and shared my regrets with the customer.  “No, we do not have any Peanut butter ice-cream.”  I thought I heard a giggle but he ordered hamburgers.  When the car pulled up to the window I was surprised to see my dad and mom in the car.  Oh, it was a joke.  By my own dad.  Ha, ha.

One particularly busy Friday night I was pulled off window duties and helped with the front counter.  A big, burly man came to the counter with a bag and yelled at me for messing up his order.  Thinking back, I don’t know why a messed up fast food order garnered such an intense reaction from the customer.  I’m sure we’ve all had fast food mix-ups (lookin at you Wendy’s).  Sure, it’s annoying when I have to go back in and complain but I’ve never felt the need to yell at the minimum wage employee standing on the other side of the counter.  However, this customer ripped me a new one in front of everyone.  I got red in the face and then the tears started flowing.

Shortly after that, my mom received a call from my boss saying, “Corina shouldn’t bother coming into work again.”  My vindication is that the place, a locally owned fast food joint, only lasted a couple years longer.  The building has been used for a variety of places since.  Almost like a jinx.  But I don’t believe in that stuff – but if I did, it would feel pretty good.

Anyway, Peyton Manning was released from his job just like I was.  Well, almost.  Except for the millions of dollars.  And the publicity.  And the other teams in hot pursuit of him.  And the fact he’s actually good at his job.  Take those things away and we pretty much have the same story.  I should send him a note encouraging him and letting him know he can give me a call if it gets too rough. 

Buck up, P, it will get better!

Help Yourself :)

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I walked into the break-room/conference room at work this morning and found this:

The sign says, “Help yourself :).”  Inside were pops (aka sodas or pepsi’s (even though they were actually Cokes) and iced-teas).   Hmm, I thought, free pop?  Just hanging out here on the table? From anonymous?  I picked up a bottle and wiped dust from the lid.  It must be outdated.  I searched for an expiration date in vain.  When I couldn’t find one I placed the bottle back in the crate.

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My Stay-cation Recap

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I took the week off from work.  My hope was that I’d be less grumpy and more motivated.  Did I complete my goal? Eh.  Not only was my mental health a factor but I also had a whole list of to-do’s.

  • Clean and organize the computer room, clean the basement, clean the living room, okay clean the house in general.  Did I finish this?  Nope.  Didn’t even start.  But I thought about it often while wading through piles in the basement. However, I did clean out my mom’s closet and drawers.  After that, my heart wasn’t into doing much more cleaning.  Okay, okay, I was lazy.
  • Finish the New Beginnings preparations.  I’m in charge of the hand-out and program.  Did I finish this?  If you think of it in terms as “ready to hand out” then technically no, they aren’t finished.  I think I got a good start though. But I’m hoping to gather more supplies when I go to Salt Lake tomorrow.
  • The dreaded, never-ending L word.  Did I finish this?  I am happy to report the laundry is caught up and even ironed.  However, my clothes are part of the mess I need to pick up in the basement.  I need to clean out my closet before I can put everything in its place.  So, this can fall into the yeah-no category.
  • Pamper myself.  Did I do this?  I used my gift certificate for a free massage my friends gave me for my birthday (um, in August).  And, I got my hair done.  However, I never got my day of sleeping I desired so much.
  • Young Women related business.  Did I do this?  We did a potluck for our activity on Tuesday night and I fixed my Momma’s BBQ chicken.  I’m so counting that.   I tried several times to order the posters the girls made weeks (all right months) ago.  But my files are corrupt.  Go figure!  Walgreen’s was having a 40% off sale on prints.  I’ll just have to take them into Staples on Saturday and pay. so. much. more.
  • Go to the temple.  Did I do this?  Weather permitting, I’m going to Utah today so that I can attend the temple (I haven’t been since October).  I was supposed to go yesterday but we had some pretty high winds Wednesday night.  It wreaked some havoc in our community and the roads looked iffy to me yesterday.  I’ve heard some rumors we hit 80mph.  That’s right, 80.  This was impressive until I read this article on MSNBC.   Did I mention I’ve surfed the internet a lot this week? 
  • As long as I’m mentioning the internet, I also checked out this video.  You know that mama E comes to the waterhole and is saying something along the lines of, “Quit messing around.  The herd is getting ready to move.  Of all the days to screw around and fall into this pit you had to pick today.  I told you not to get your trunk dirty!”  At least, that’s what it looks like to me when she’s pacing back and forth.  But then she has to get in and get wet to help her kid out.  Typical.
  • Goof off.  Did I do this?  I managed to go see a movie on Monday (matinee no less!).   Since I didn’t travel yesterday I spent the day reading the Hunger Games.  Now I can see the movie next month.  That is one messed up book.  Not the writing, just the story line.  It’s so disturbing. I can hardly wait to read the next two in the series.  Ah, to have that kind of talent.
  • Tonight I get to have dinner with my sister and her daughter.  Tomorrow I will go home and finish New Beginning preparations (I kinda have to since it is on Sunday).  And I will organize the computer room.  I will.  I will. I probably will.  I’ll try.  I might.  We’ll see. Mmm, maybe.
  • Magically become less grumpy.  Did I accomplish this?  Too soon to tell but early reports indicate a rise in grumpiness.  Oops!  I thought for sure this would work.   I think I’m gonna need another week…

My Downfall: Suspense and Secrets

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Sometime during the first week of last July my brother mentioned there were “Changes coming” that could affect Girls’ Camp.  When I asked for more information, he smiled and said, “You’ll have to wait.”  What the heck?!  First of all, I was enjoying my state of obliviousness.    Just let me reside there permanently, please.  Second, why mention anything if you can’t divulge details?  He realized immediately what he had done and clamped down.  No information would leak from him.  From that point forward, that is.

The damage had been done.   My mind raced with possibilities.  Would there be a new ward?  A new stake?  A new temple?   Okay, those last two were a stretch but that’s how my mind works.  Was somebody being released?  Why would that person be released right before camp?  Oh, the possibilities!

 I tried to force myself not to think about it.  I attempted to focus on other things.  But in the still of the night, his statement came fluttering back into the forefront of my brain.  “Changes coming.”  What could they possibly be? 

A couple of weeks later I found out.  Two wards in a neighboring town were going to a different stake.   The Stake Young Women President lived in one of those wards.  A new Stake Young Women Presidency would need to be called.  However, the stake leaders waited until after camp so it ended up not affecting Girls’ Camp. 

Two things bothered me about his little tease.  One, I can’t stand suspense.  I like being surprised.  I really do.  However, there is one small stipulation before anyone out there throws me a surprise party.  Surprise me but don’t tell me you’re going to surprise me.  The suspense just about kills me.  Seriously. 

Here’s an example. I blamed my pea-sized attention span for the reason I don’t read anymore.  After reflecting on this matter further though, I have come to a different conclusion.  My lack of reading is because I can’t wait for the conclusion.  There is no leisurely reading with me.  I drop everything else so that I can read.  So that I can find out the ending.

That’s why I’ve started reading the ends of books first.  Am I going to like this book?  Is this book worth investing my time?  I just borrowed the Hunger Game series from a friend.  She only gave me the first book though.  I had to text her today and ask, “Am I going to like how this series ends?!”  She doesn’t understand who she’s dealing with because she threw this big log on the fire, “Possibly.”  That had me worried so I continued,  “Aack!” Which translates to:  what did you get me into?  Then I begged, “Um, can I borrow the last book for a few minutes?” Long enough for me to read the end should be sufficient.  She responded with a text and I’m pretty sure it was accompanied with an eye rolling on her end.  “The person who borrowed it last is still reading it,” she explained.  And referring to the end she responded, “You’ll like it.”  Okay, it’s no sneak peak at the ending but it sufficed.  I’ll keep reading.

I’m glad my brother didn’t divulge anything else because of reason two, I can’t keep a secret.  If he would have told me, I would have started the grapevine.  It’s not like I want to be a blabber-mouth.  People just have a way of getting information from me.  It’s usually with a well-crafted, “Hi, how are you?”  And I spill.  Tidbits of information, especially juicy ones, just swell inside me.  If I don’t release them, via blabbing, they will cause me to explode.  And that would be gross.

My mom, bless her heart, was the same way.  It drove me crazy.  I used to complain about her not keeping all conversations in confidence.  There were some she kept very well.  But not all.  I suppose it was inevitable after all my complaining and whining that I ended up just like her.  I just don’t have a filter until after the fact.  That’s usually when I realize, “Probably shouldn’t have told you that.” 

Let me clarify, I can keep a secret.  I’ve done it before.  It just about kills me and I prefer not to have to.  Here’s the disclaimer portion of this blog:  This mainly applies to gossipy type stuff.  When someone vents or unloads, I file that in my lockdown compartment in my brain.  It doesn’t get out.  I am trustworthy with personal information, just not so great in the gossip department.  So please, do not include me in the gossip circle.

For these two reasons, Christmas time is absolutely torture on me.  Not only do I have the suspense of waiting to see what’s in the packages with my name on them, but I also have to keep secrets.  I buy gifts.  I can’t tell.  Other people buy gifts for loved ones and hide them in my closet.  I have to remember not to blab what is being hidden there.  Sometimes it’s a very delicate situation.  I should start taking a vow of silence from Thanksgiving until Christmas day just to be safe.

I just looked over what typed and I probably said too much.  But what else is new?  Case in point.