Chapter IV: Good News/Bad News
Lizzie rested her forehead on her steering wheel. She couldn’t move. Her car was parked downtown facing the train tracks and she needed a train to come by. A big, loud train that would drown out the scream that was inside of her needing to get out. This is how she took care of overwhelming problems in high school. The fact that the last time she remembered coming to this exact spot was when her mom passed away was not lost on her.
A knock on the window made her jump. She wiped the tears from her face and quickly looked out and expected to see a policeman. From her experiences during high school when she came here, she remembered the police didn’t like her to be parked in the area for extended amounts of time. But this time it wasn’t a uniform she saw, it was a business suit. It was Matt.
She avoided eye contact and cleared her throat a couple of times before lowering her window. Her hair strategically fell down over her eyes and she didn’t bother pushing it away.
“Hey, Matt,” she said trying to sound level and not like someone who spent the last 30 minutes sobbing.
“Hey, Liz,” ever since he found out about her screen name, he had shortened her name to just Liz. He studied her for a moment. “How are you doing?” It was a formality question because he could tell very well how her dad’s doctor’s appointment had gone. Plus, Chuck had called him and asked him to check on Lizzie.
She sucked in her bottom lip. “Great,” she said and held her thumbs up.
He looked at her. “Liar.” He walked around the car and opened the door. He sat in the passenger seat without being asked .
They sat for a moment looking at the train tracks. “So,” he finally said, “not great, huh?”
She still couldn’t look at him. “How could you tell?”
“A hunch,” he answered.
Lizzie took a deep breath and started to speak but had to take another deeper breath. “Cancer. My dad has cancer.”
“That really…” Matt couldn’t find the right word. He was a lawyer and took great pride in finding the right word for every argument. But this time, there was no word to express how he felt.
“Yeah.” She seemed to agree with the fact there wasn’t a word to cover the complexity of the feeling.
They sat for a few more minutes until Lizzie wiped her face with her hand. She dug into the console between the seats and took out a fast-food napkin and used it to blow her nose. “It turns out that first seizure was caused by a tumor.” She looked at Matt for the first time. “A shy tumor.”
“A shy tumor?” he asked.
“Of course there is a more unnecessarily long medical term for it. Blah, blah, blah.” She sniffed. “But basically, that’s what I got from it all. One that hid from all the MRIs and other tests they did. Can you believe it?” She used her fist to tap her head slightly. “You wouldn’t think there is any place to hide up there but apparently there is.”
“Yikes,” Matt said and turned to look out the front window again. “So,” he didn’t want to ask the next question. “What’s the prognosis?”
“Ah,” she said and looked out the front window also. At some point, she was going to have to tell this story and make eye contact with people but not today. “That’s the kicker. If they would have found it when he first came in they probably would have been able to do something. But since it…”
“Was a shy guy,” Matt offered.
“A shy guy,” she repeated, “it is now too big and connected to too many things with even longer medical names that I can’t remember or even pronounce.”
“So, what? What are you saying?”
She took a deep breath and forced herself to say the words out loud for the first time. “I’m saying my dad has, at best, maybe 6 more months.”
He exhaled. Matt had only known Chuck for a couple of years after he moved in next door but he considered him a friend. He didn’t like hearing the news about his friend. But what also hurt him deeply was seeing Lizzie’s pain. He had only known her for the month since she moved back but seeing her experience such pain made the cut feel a little deeper.
“He is with Sharon letting her know,” Lizzie said and took a deep breath. She appreciated that Matt was willing to sit in silence and not rush in with a bunch of platitudes. When her mom died, she had heard them all. She knew them all. There were some that were truer than others but that didn’t mean she needed to hear them. Not now. Now she needed a train to come by so that she could scream her frustrations and fears out.
But a funny thing happened. Sharing the news with Matt was actually calming her down some. “Why are you here? How did you find me?” she asked.
“Your dad called me,” he said and almost sounded guilty that he needed to be prompted to check on her. “He asked me to find you and make sure you were okay.”
“Ah, but how did you know I’d be here?” she held her hand out toward the tracks.
“That part was just luck. My office is right across the street so…I didn’t need any detective skills. Just needed my open eyes.”
She nodded. “Gotcha.” She remembered her dad did tell her that Matt’s office was downtown.
“Why are you here, though?” he asked.
Lizzie took a deep breath. “When I was in high school, I was a bit of a loner. I had a hard time processing my emotions. So, I would come here and when a train would pass, I would scream at the top of my lungs. It felt like I was able to clear everything out that I was feeling inside and be somewhat normal again. Whatever that is.”
He nodded. “It worked then?”
“Seemed to. Until I found acting. Acting for me was always a bit therapeutic, I guess. Getting to be someone else and process their emotions helped me realize mine. That was way cheaper than actually seeing a therapist.”
He nodded again.
“The last time I came here is when my mom passed away. I was 16. Sixteen and losing your mother ought to be a crime, by the way. I joined the drama club after that and found a different outlet. The day after I graduated, I moved to New York. Not just to pursue an acting career but because being here without my mom was just so sad for me.” She tapped her fingers on the steering wheel. “I never considered what my dad was going through. Selfish, huh?”
“Sounds like you were trying to heal. And you were a kid. What do kids know? Nothing.”
“Thanks,” she said. “But it was selfish. I left my dad even though I promised I would not take him for granted like I did my mom. After a while though, I got lulled into the thought that he would always be here. Now, I’m in the exact same place I was with my mom.”
“You mean the tracks?” he asked.
She flashed a sad smile. “Too little time. But I guess the physical location also fits.”
“Maybe,” he said cautiously, “maybe it’s not about the quantity but the quality? You’re here now. You can make the most of it, right?”
She sighed. “Maybe.”
They sat for a few more moments. “Hey,” he said. “How did that phone call with your agent go?”
“Oh, that,” she replied. “Well, you know he has been trying to get a hold of me for a few weeks.”
“Yes, I know. I am the one who has asked you about it for the last few weeks.”
She smiled and held up her hands. “I know but I was scared!”
“But he is calling you and not giving up so…”
“So?” she asked.
“So, that has to be good news,” he finished.
“I’m not sure. He wouldn’t tell me why he was calling but we have a Zoom meeting tomorrow morning.”
He looked at her. “That has to be good news then. Why would he set up a Zoom meeting just to tell you bad news?”
“You don’t know this business. It’s mean. I swear it looks for different ways to reject you. So, anything is possible.”
He waved his hand. “You’re crazy. This is good news. I know it. Trust me.”
He was so naïve but she let him have this energy. To be able to see a possible speck of good news today was welcomed. “Well, I’ll know tomorrow if I make the meeting.”
“What do you mean, if you make the meeting?”
“I’m just saying that if, by chance, and I do mean small chance, there is a job for me out there, I can’t leave. I can’t go away right now. Remember what you just said about quality time?”
He nodded. “Yeah, but…”
“There’s no way I could leave my dad right now,” she said again decisively.
“Maybe just take the meeting tomorrow and then decide? You might as well see what this is all about before you make any decisions.”
His words made sense. They also sounded familiar.
“You sound like my dad,” she said.
“I take that as a compliment.”
She rolled her eyes. “Heaven help me if I have to deal with two of you.”
They sat for a few more minutes. “How long does it take for a train to come?” she asked.
“Hey,” he looked down at his hands. “Can I ask you a question?”
She nodded.
“What exactly did you and your dad talk about on your weekly phone calls? You both said you talked weekly but you both have hidden key factors of your lives. Factors that seem like they would have come up in conversation. Quite naturally, in fact. What did you talk about?”
She smiled. “Depends on the season. We discussed the Wyoming Cowboys during college football and basketball seasons. Then there were the topics of the Denver Broncos, the Utah Jazz, and, of course, the Red Sox.”
“I did not know you were a sports fan.”
“I’m not, but my dad is so I learned to talk the talk so that we could have our weekly talks. At one point, I had a coworker feed me tips on the teams just so that I could have something to bring up with dad.”
“Ah,” he said. “How did that turn out for you?”
“Funny,” she said. “But I actually learned a lot about basketball, football, and baseball. Not so much about baseball but enough.”
From down the track they could hear the whistle of an approaching train.
“So, do we get out for this?” he asked.
She thought about it. “You know, actually I’m good. I don’t think I need the train anymore.”
“Are you kidding me?” he asked. “I have waited this long to scream at a train. I am going to scream at a train.”
She nodded. “Then we better get out because I have a lot of scream inside me.”
ck's days 