Dear Wal-Mart Elves:
Yes, I know you exist. You fooled me for quite some time but recently my suspicions were confirmed. You are real. While I am still unsure of your complete doings I now hold you responsible for several instances that have occurred. Please refer to the list below for an inventory of your shenanigans that have come to my attention.
- While I cannot prove your entire culpability, I am quite certain you are responsible for the embarrassing “Peopleofwalmart.com” photos. Although it is my belief you relinquish the technical role, I have no doubt you relish the photography aspect. This explains the plethora of pictures.
- You are a mischievous bunch. I am positive the employees who have to clean up after your hijinks do not appreciate your humor one bit. Clothing items belong in the clothing department. Media belongs in the media department. And so forth. Bringing all such items and depositing them in the check-out aisle is immature. The employees are not paid to play hide-and-seek with store items.
- I will admit your stunt of standing all the brooms in the broom aisle on end at once during the vernal equinox was impressive. It was a little surreal to walk around the corner and see all the brooms standing at attention. Good show!
I would have overlooked all of these examples if you did not get bolder in your pranks. But when you made it personal, I have no choice but to retaliate.
4. I painstakingly went through the cases of yogurt to find the flavors I like. It was not an easy task but I finally found two cases with half Vanilla and half Key Lime. Imagine my surprise when I returned home and put the groceries away to find two cases of Blueberry Patch and Blackberry Pomeganate! I do not appreciate chunks of fruit in my yogurt. It causes a sensation to my tongue that makes me want to gag. Vanilla and Key Lime do not cause such a reaction.
While most of your pranks and hijinks can be overlooked, I’m afraid you rascals went too far this time. If we ever meet face to face, I will give you exactly what you deserve which is a stern lecture and talking to.
Originally posted May 9, 2012